love, lust, or in betweens.

haven't blogged in a real long time; for certain reasons that im not gonna get into- but it feels good to be back!

thought alot today, about random things; and decided on a whole lot of other things that i wanna do. made lists. and although i may not achieve or ever want to get all the things on my list in return, sometimes its good to want things. if you dont get what you asked for, and you're still happy, then you've got more than you've bargained for. so thats that. sounds easy? isnt as easy as it seems. you can want, and get less; and still not be happy. why? cause of human nature. always wanting more, more, more.

lust happens alot more than love. and alot of people take it as love. when the feeling wears off, thats that. but other people are lucky- lust turns into love. so its a whole lot more than they asked for or expected from the relationship. other times, the in betweens count more..getting a little bit of both ends. a few pointers on how to be sure you're with the right person?

-> he/she would give anything for you to be happy...even if it means his/her unhappiness. with the hopes that you'd come to your senses eventually, and acknowledge whats right in front of you.

->he/ she would be happy with you, and want or need nothing else

-> know what they're looking for

and of course, not forgetting those other aspects we all know- such as trust, honesty, etc etc.

finals and all the in betweens

finals are coming up...soooooo fast...mine start on the 3rd; which leaves me approximately a week to cram everything in...:(...been more stressed,tired and sick than anything else...yet i still find solace in the smallest things...maybe this is when you realize, that no matter what life gives you or throws at you; life goes on. the world still goes round...even when you break down and feel that theres absolutely no way out! lately i have been feeling alot of this...tensed as hell...weird thoughts...scary dreams...things happening...makes it so hard to keep hold and grasp what is most important...so all i wanna do now, is keep everything on track...and not lose it just yet. some pretty interesting things happened over this week...being terrified over the dumbest thing...witnessing a fight; actually made me think of other things too...had fun with friends...laughed so much :)....which makes me wonder...how come its so hard to feel good at times, at other times so easy...? but its never hard to feel bad? that comes without demand...but in the end, i guess everyone has their fair share of ups and down...so its unfair to feel like life is unfair...but in reality it really is...just not the way you think it is...does that make any sense? even if it doesnt; it sounds about right..plus im not gonna ponder on that right now....its friday night...friday night lights....i love fridays...the fact that the weekend is here; its comforting...but on the other hand, with finals coming up--- i need all the time i can get!

all about the 9's

so yes, 9 month anniversary yesterday....this is for you :)

<3

She was lost in so many different ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Never thought the grace of God go high
I found heaven on earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
I've been alone
When I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud
But I still go home knowing that
I've got you
There's us when the lights go down
You are my heaven on earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria
Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand
You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria

the return.

is it safe to say that thats the end of the emo posts? gosh, i dont know...guess its too soon to say...so much has been happening...much more than i am capable of handling....the work load has been killing me..you know how sometimes you feel you can do anything? and sometimes everything seems sorta impossible? ive been alternating between the two; a bit too much...i guess some people just dont work well under pressure, no matter how hard they may try...fall into depression so much, fall sick...sometimes i get so sick and tired of it all....wish that for once in my life i could just pause or say "stop!"....but we all know that isnt gonna happen...either give up or try your best to move on....and again; i feel so apologetic...to certain people...for not being there...probably cause at those brief moments, i wasnt even there for myself...that makes sense doesnt it?

prom was fun...had a blast...it was everything i imagined it to be and more...que the mushiness...i mean we all knew it was coming right? it would have been wonderful anyways, cause of him :)..so maybe i didnt get my flowers...and maybe i still bring it up oh so constantly, but it was wonderful altogether! and now what im trying to work on more than anything- trying not to be so helpless....doesnt mean that i give up too fast, just that i tend to lose my sense of direction; abit too easily...then its so hard to regain that strength..

besides all that, the sem is slowly coming to an end...time flies...seriously..advance enrollment is tomorrow...im still deciding on subjects...have tests coming up yet again this week...hopefully dont fall sick along the way...then another short sem...i hate short sems, so hopefully it turns out much better this time around since i know what its like...then yeah- FINALS....the word that throws shivers down your spine...but whatever....im hoping to go watch harry potter this week....on the release date...not because im still a die hard fan, im sure i diverted....but cause i read all the books...and eventhough it gets worse along the way..i told myself i'd continue to watch...cause im not stopping halfway! haha..way for an excuse ;)

so anyways...i gotta get to the studying..constant studying..even over the weekends + friday night...the thought makes me sick...but not like im left with any other choice!

have a nice week and till i write again, bubbye :)

broken-hearted girl?

nope, im not upset...im not broken hearted...ok well, maybe i am.,..but in a totally different sense...it took me so long to write...just yesterday i was like...yes i have something to write about...but when i opened the window; i couldnt...reason being- i didnt wanna reveal too much...maybe its time to let it go..so anyways...ill thank the reason...my boyfriend...a night with him made realize that theres really no point worrying about unnecessary things..things that you arent even that sure of in the first place....and i realized that i wouldnt trade that love...for anything else...you may think its just me being emo as usual...maybe it is...or maybe its the realizations thats knocking some sense in to me....so whats new on this end? the work load is killing me...facing some small issues...but not gonna get into that...getting very annoyed at some of my friends...and right now...i feel so dazed and i dont even know why..sorta like im just floating and i have no idea what im doing...im soooooo excited for prom :)....

just a brief insight.

why just why havent you seen me updating lately? and yes, of course there are reasons...which im not getting into...i just cant get myself to put those thoughts into words...plus maybe at times its better to just leave the past behind...cause it may come back to haunt you nonetheless...so why ask for it? what sorta mood am i in right now? i feel like im loved; at times probably so much more than i deserve....i have so much; more than i need...so why do i complain? its just how human nature is...we love the word MORE...so if so, im one of the fortunate ones...one who has more than others...i sometimes feel like the whole cycle is messed up...like some have so much...yet some have little...some have close to nothing...but thats that...thats how it is...lately, i've realized how much more i want certain things...the things i want...those things i yearn for; scares me...probably more than anything else right now. sorta insane- believe me. so whats been happening lately? whole lotta drama; i mean whats new? then lots and lots of work...tests...have another one this week...sometimes i just feel like giving up...get myself all stressed up...over these things...so then ive been hating inti this weekend...taking over our bathrooms for camp children...then having no water in the morning ( i have panicking; had class at 10! )...and then my AC isnt working...utter crap...im soooo annoyed...cause i find it hard to sleep without aircond...maybe i deserve this...maybe its a lesson of some sort; god i dont know...just have to manage...ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

leaving things behind.

it just suddenly hit me; how much things ive left behind...recently, ive been neglecting so much..friends, family, etc....mainly cause of the -work load....maybe its high time i admit it...things just arent the same and probably wont be for a real long time...as usual...had a test...it went surprisingly well...got some marks back...im satisfied...at least the locking myself in the room is bringing some good...lately i feel like im on emotional roller coaster...like all of a sudden everythings ok; next thing you know, im acting like the world is tumbling down....but in a way, im happy with the changes...i mean you cant expect things to always be the same right? the other issue ive come across is that hardly anyone understands me; understands me for me...it sucks really...but at least there are those who do...and nothing will change the way they feel about me...and for that im glad. on a heavier note, i have my bio test next week...and i wouldnt be freaking out sooooo much if it werent 20%....things at coll have been slow..its like...the week starts out and before you know it; its friday again...i wish time would take a stand still...maybe i want that more than anything right now. to have a little more time. cause its caving in; things are happening way too fast...

curiosity.

so i guess my feelings are sorta in tact now...or more so than earlier...i found it so hard to make a decision...to go see my cousin...but glad that i finally decided...its just with all the work...i seriously dont know what to do anymore...so dizzy...and lately been a bit sick...dizzy..and fever...dont know whats up...since thats planned, im spending tonight with my friend....and theres something thats on my mind right now..someone said something to me...i still have no idea what it means...and as usual, i try to interpret it....try to do some twists and turns and come up with my own assumptions...how far has that gotten me really? have so many mosquito bites, it worries me...today is one of those days; where i feel lost...like i have no idea whats going on...and feel alone...absolutely hate the feeling! overall, im pressured....sometimes, times like these; it seems like too much to ask.

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
So why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that
I Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough.

and nope, no relationship problems...i can sorta relate to this; in a whole different way.

weekend in the city.

so yes, for a change...not going home this weekend...not gonna be here in college...instead, cousins bday thing...its like having a road trip or something; feels like that at least....gonna be going with my brother....gosh, its been ages since ive seen my family...actually miss them- a whole lot...anyways....it took me a longggggg time to decide what im doing for the weekend...reason being...theres so much work and studying to do....i owe him this, so yes im going...it should be fun...i just wished it feel sometime between the hols...the beginning of the sem is hectic as it is...they are pretty lucky though, school holidays and such...right now...im quite irritated...just one of those times where you feel like you're being ignored...not fun at all....alot has been happening...as usual...dont quite know where to start at the moment; saving that for the next post...have class in awhile..so no point getting all emo. have a fun weekend.

everyone with their problems.

lately it seems like that...or well- its more obvious...everyone with their fare share of problems...i have so many on my end; sometimes i just cant bare it anymore...but im still surviving..so that must be a good sign right? i dont know if its the work load, or other pressures thats causing this...but i wish it would come to an end....im tired of arguing, or feeling like we're arguing when we arent...or when theres absolutely no reason to....everything else seems to be going fine...everythings like so jumbled up; shall update once its all cleared ...till then...take care.

test week

this week is gonna be interesting and down-right hectic..so forgive me if im unable to update as frequently as i'd like...so till then, stay tuned.

friend drama.

ive been dealing with this recently...i care for people, yet i get the opposite in return...when this happens what do you do? do you forget them and carry on? or continue to care with the hopes that things will turn around? im so confuseddddddd!!!!!! what would you do? -leave me a comment-

weirder than weird?

weekend was pretty interesting...drinking, yup....but lets not get into that...weeks are going by so fast...its like...first its monday...and then in a blink of an eye, its friday...like wow....things have been nothing but hectic....constant studying, work...assignments, etc...can drive one crazy...but guess im coping pretty well, for a change...weird? everythings weird to me...i say everyone and everything is weird...seriously have no idea what thats about....been having some odd dreams...first i dream of lecturers, then prev. flames, boyfriend, friends...the annoying part is, the important or interesting ones are the ones i cant seem to remember...and i get so frustrated...as usual, im coping with my fare share of 'friend drama'...i really dont know what to do anymore....i wanna give up, yet i cant...i mean, if you give up that easily..are you really worth it all? should you be called a 'friend'...? i really wish i had answers...different people give me different views of course....and thats the problem with asking for opinions...you can be unsure..and by the time you're done making the rounds; you're even more confused! some say 'its not your fault, let it be'...and others say 'confront and talk about it'...my question is : what do i really want now? cause honestly im sick and tired of stooping down for others, just cause they are all 'emo' or 'frustrated'...its like...ok if you tell me whats going on...not if you suddenly act all weird...i dont read minds...i wish i did, but i dont...then the whole of this weekend...i was craving for pringles...sour cream and onion pringles...yummy :)...but i didnt get any....i tried to...but got annoyed and gave up..so i went to the shop...pringles are there..stacked...so HIGH up...like one can on top of the other, on the highest shelf..so if you were to pull the one at the bottom, the rest would come tumbling down...annoyed...i thought 'maybe im not meant to have any today'....so i didnt...everything feels so different...havent seen the friends ive been dying to see...the whole week...or whole two weeks...and some are right here, yet i havent...its sad if you ponder upon it....and the friends that are far away...are telling me how they feel they are losing me....i guess this is when distance becomes the test...it tests your strength...like really....and yes, still dealing with the roomie...with her; i'll never understand..its so bizzare...

well, i better tend to my work...updates shall come once i have more to muse about...

time.

when will we EVER have enough time? i really have no idea...,theres just so much to do, so little time :(....so what would you do? live in the moment and follow your hearts desires? or work extra hard to increase your chances of having something that you would have had anyways...'a thousand miles'...i love that song...


Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see youTonight
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in yourPrecious memories
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

sexuality

sexuality- is an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, both or neither.

so why are we on this subject all of a sudden? the reason being-- after my heart got crushed from the current AI results. kris allen won....and to think that danny gokey would be one of the finalists...that doesnt even matter...he shined thru on the show, and will get noticed. kris allen and adam lambert-- the finalists..i thought it was so damn predictable....i thought adam would win, no doubt about it...nothing else that has to be said...it was like an unspoken truth...a fact...so when i logged on to check the results..gosh, was i surprised...kris won...i referred to him as being 'gay'...not because he genuinely is, or that there is proof of him being gay at all....just that hes such a softie..dont get me wrong; nothing bad about that...his squeaky clean image...was abit too 'innocent'...so in the STAR paper...there was this article on adam lambert...speculation: he may be gay..MAY BE...why does everyone have to make such a huge deal about it? honestly speaking, would you rather have people hide and pretend, or stray away from what they are; just cause society cant accept the fact that they are gay..and we all go around saying 'just be who you are'...how big of a contradiction is that if they cant even show the world who they really are...onto the next thing..american idol is about talent...and if they were to go by the rules...and the sole purpose of the show...to discover new talent...despite of what or where people are or from...adam would have won....simon didnt even give kris a standing ovation when the winner was declared...guess im not the only one whos dissapointed...and another reason...or what i have inferred, as to how america chose to vote for chris instead...religious aspects....seeing as how gay marriages arent legalized...and how gay relationships are hardly accepted by society as well as religions (due to the fact that it is only right for a man to be with a woman and vice versa)...many conservative christians and all others who strongly oppose gay partnerships would have voted for chris....since i got all my points across, im stopping with the emo-ing....adam will get a contract....and he will probably do better than kris...just like how archuletta's better than cook...how fantasia, ruben, katherine and taylor just went missing after a couple of songs...this will turn out something like that. sometimes, life really isnt fair; now i believe in that a little bit more.

lab.

today we are doing an experiment on 'microscopes'...hahhaha....the procedure was 8 pages; it better be good....today was the first day in a long time where i felt like i wanted to sleep in...its like 'give me 5 mins'....i extend the time on my alarm...and i doze off...and it rings..and i go 'huh? that fast?!'....anyhow, loads of people are already sitting for test 1's and stuff today...hope all goes well...mine is tomorrow...and if i dont finish studying, no street party for me...but haha, ill go; even if just for awhile...cause honestly, seems like a bigger deal than it was last year :)

everyday things.

ok...im getting real fed up with titles as you can see....its like...i have so many posts i dont know what to call them anymore....updates-- lots of homework, studying, assignments, tests!!! arghhh...just the beginning of the 3rd week and already dying...haha...nah, honestly im doing ok (even im surprised)....and people are starting to think im going nuts...that scares me, slightly. reasons for them to feel that way? me suddenly being all cheerful and laughing about stuff...do i have no right to be happy? ;) anyways...todays just a day full of studying...caffeine...etc...last week was pretty interesting..did some things i thought i never would...felt things ive never felt before...this week should be pretty interesting...activities lined up. if i get to go, anyways.

of weekends alone.

to start off-- yes, weekend alone...or well, i was supposed to be alone..but not really...some friends went home, some went to camp...some are here i guess...just that i havent found the need to bother any of them just yet...my friday and saturday went by pretty fast...spent it with the bf :)...and talked to my friend for awhile..just hard when im quite mad at her....and she senses it...its like we snap at each other...really hate that..so im gonna cut her some slack...and the weird part is...ive been dreaming about weird stuff...whats new about that? i guess it starts to scare you when u dream of lecturers or lectures or subject related stuff...or stuff you forgot for a second and it just comes back to you...im in a weird mood again...its only 11am...on a sunday morning...i wanted to sleep longer...just that i couldnt get myself to...body aches....seriously.....back hurts...arghhhhhh!!!! this week should be pretty interesting...street party, etc....then a quiz...and yeah, getting with the whole 'hectic' schedule...but i do finally feel like im back on track...its all good...so yeah, obviously...i havent been alone at all...well, except now...hahahaha..anyways, enjoy the rest of the weekend...

world religions, etc.

world religions. im loving it. probably more than any subject at the moment..except biology...just fascinates me...ive been going on about what i believe in, or what i think i should believe in for quite some time..and this sorta explains some things...taboos,etc...right now we are on hinduism...some pretty interesting facts...and from the beginning...i was telling my friend 'you probably wouldn't have known that these things existed'...i was right. then my other friend and i were discussing reincarnation and re-birth....then we're like laughing at random stuff...my classes this sem are more FUN..or well, im making them more fun...either or....right now im just trying to kill time...its week 2 and ive been studying like mad...im scaring myself (slightly)..so thought i'd lay off the books during the gaps...anyways...gonna try and entertain myself...*proud of myself* getting back to updating more often :)

when the stars go blue.

i think i see stars-- thats what i told someone yesterday....i mean; what do i expect after 6 hours of class...no break, no food...was sorta going insane....was laughing at random stuff...just lately ive been so happy...its a good thing, its just shocking...cause im the one whos usually emo-ing like so often you dont even catch hold of the times that im not...its week 2 of the semester...and already-- so much work! i have assignments, quizzes, lab report...ahhh...ok when you know you're going insane (i just typed 'lap reports')....but interesting lectures...one who sets rules that if you're late you sing...a guy whos so caring or well trying to be thoughtful...and the one who flies thru lectures...cant even keep up...but its the people im with that make me go 'i think i just might be able to handle this'...today was interesting once again...still considering my options...been studying and reading a bit too much..so gonna relax a little today...:)

english.

my love for english is expanding...day by day....i miss not having a language subject...mainly because i had one last semester...i hated it at first, honestly....not for language barrier reasons or stuff like that...but because i thought my lecturer was sorta freaky...haha...but then, i ended up loving it....and not because i was doing real well in class..although thats what someone thought of the whole thing...i still have my passion for writing...writing sorta gives me everything..its expressive...and i just love impacting people thru the stuff i write...it feels life changing...or well, life- altering...if you can make that tiny difference in someones life just by them reading something you wrote-- doesnt that count for something? anyways, i usually dont like writing when my mind is cluttered...but i guess its better letting go of whatever you're feeling...but honestly...this doesnt even account for quarter im thinking right now...gosh...i miss him...i miss my friends...i miss home...i miss the feeling of being sure...but i guess it comes to the point where you'll always be wondering...in the end, its what you make of it. thats what matters most.

friends? - or not?

the people who you thought were always there-- thing is , they arent anymore..and i honestly couldnt care less....i always beat myself up; for the things other people do...somehow make myself guilty...or feel like i have a reason to be guilty...but thats over with...im tired of having to try to piece everything back together...i honestly cant anymore...i really cant...i wish i could, i wish i could be that shoulder to cry on...whenever needed...or that person you come to when you need advice..but honestly, im so sick of it...and lately...i feel closer to so many people...its like...i can see the sadness...i can sense that something is wrong...that sorta got me thinking...maybe i could do that-- way before this...just that...now im thinking about it...and im gonna start showing that i care....sometimes i just stray away...im stopping that too...this doesnt mean that im not grateful, or not appreciative..and by reading this...it shows that i not only am losing hope in certain people...but im gaining belief in others...and im gonna start letting them know how i really feel..btw, just to post this...cause im in my lovey dovey moods...7 months yesterday...:)...gosh im such a sucker for <3

wesak day

if you were given an option- either to sit for test 1 or write a report on wesak day ( condition being: you have to go to a buddhist temple on a saturday morning and then write a report on the experience afterwards)...what would you choose? obviously i chose option 2....free marks...:) :) well...pretty much...just had to get up earlier than planned on a saturday morning...sit thru the train ride..walk in the sun...im just saying; not complaining...it was well worth it....its sad when you've stayed in malaysia for so many years, yet havent experienced wesak day...or well...dont really understand the meaning of the occasion...thats another reason why i decided i should go. im glad i did...it was fun; because of the friends who were with! ;) i already wrote my report so now thats done with....and then today was mothers day..weekend was nothing but HECTIC....we celebrated mothers day with the family...grandparents, aunts and uncles...cousins...was fun...had good food...wish i could have done more for my mum though...anyways...dont just treat your mum well on mothers day..every day should count...think of all the sacrifices, the love showered upon you..so once again...to all mothers out there...happy mothers day!

yet another semester

so officially the semester started on monday...i didnt go the first day; had just one sub....yet i have so much to catch up on! we're already one chapter thru bio..and thats surprisingly fast...so i have been catching up on my reading...getting notes and stuff sorted out, stuff- book wise....and all the other necessities needed of me at the moment...im sorta bored right now...about 2 hours more till i have math..dont know how that will be...many people have been giving me a warning...telling me that his english is not good...so im sorta worried about that...schedule is so hectic this time around...hope ill be ok...i just miss the free time...and yes, once again im all emo emo....i miss people...really....but in different ways...i wanna say soooo many things...yet the way situations are right now...i cant say them...hopefully get to along the way...parents have been giving me a pretty hard time...i just somehow feel caught in the middle...like i wanna be consoled...yet i dont know what to do about that....yesterday was a pretty interesting day..my bio lect is a goof...but that makes it even more fun :)...then my friends and i were arguing about love....the saying of 'i love you' etc etc...and how we sorta feel pressured to follow a standard rule when it comes to relationships...stuff like that....i know i hardly express myself...but yeah, im not ok...at least not right now.

frights for your life.

i just had one of those...for two consecutive weeks...not gonna mention what...but it really scared me..and at the time, i didnt go to anyone...guess thats my weakness...i always feels like im bothering people; when in reality, all they want is for me to be happy. maybe its time to open up a little more...

anyways, classes officially started today...i have 6 hours tomorrow...gosh thats gonna be hell...much more to update...but will do so a little later...need to heal the scars. :(

results

results..satisfied with them...like very satisfied with them for once..so anyways, ill get back to the writing soon...gotta enjoy whats left of the hols...going back to coll tomorrow night..then its two days till the new sem! enjoy the rest of it :)

american idol and adam lambert

i wanted so badly to post a picture of him...but thanks to the slow transferring speed that cant be done...so for those of you who have no idea who the guy is....google him or something...so yes...hes linked to AI...excellent singer/ performer...or whatever else you may call it...he always brings his best to the table..what got me to suddenly feel inspired to write about AI or adam? the fact that theres alot of controversy...controversy in the sense that some think he may be gay...so they've been asking AI reps...him...but no info is given...so in this thing...or well this article produced...not gonna state the source...they were questioning...or well...that certain person felt lost...or well confused...not knowing if a gay contestant could win? after all, its a talent show...hes expected to sing...the winner is expected to be the best singer, best performer, the best all-rounder...so whats this talk about being gay or not being gay? if you're being judged based on these criteria, how does 'sexuality' play a part? or determine if you're qualified to win or lose? i know that downright this is not gonna affect the decision of american viewers...but im just slightly annoyed...annoyed for the fact that that is even questionable...how low could you dig...to come up with utter....not gonna say it...just what makes you think that thats the right thing to say? or well..what makes you think that its even an issue? *another one of the times where i wish i could read minds*...seriously...

the 'interesting' beginning of hols

so i got done with finals on thursday...the fun didnt really begin right there...seeing as how some of my friends were only done on saturday...thursday was fun..just the whole feeling of relief and stuff like that...just relaxed that night...fun begin on friday night...my friday was packed..was up early...went for a movie...'hes just not that into you'...its a really good movie...talks about relationship rules and how people of the opposite sex often misunderstand each other...then was just hanging out...ice-cream etc...things got a bit out of hand at night...i was sorta thinking...less and less things actually scare me...its weird...soon i wont have much i fear of...fear of certain aspects anyways...and then i decided im re-organizing my life...are there any things you wish you've done but have never had the guts to bother? or what about things that are so un-like you? stuff that you would do to perhaps- prove a point? if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment.

i could write alot honestly, brain is over-flowing with inspiration..and haha...about how my hols have been going...i've decided that i CAN get into detail...but im not going to...maybe some things are better left unsaid-- what you dont know wont hurt you; it will just increase your curiosity levels by a whole lot!

woohoo!

done with finals; time to celebrate, relax and soak up the sun!

happy hols everyone...have a good one...see you in two weeks :)

drawing closer to the END

its just the ending of my finals...not anything else...no done with the program or anything like that...ahha...lot of my friends are already out celebrating...one word 'ENVY'...more than anything right now..one more day to go, just one more day....ive been feeling time is somehow slowing its pace...maybe its just me...i want it to be done with more than anything...so by 10 am tomorrow, im officially done with my 3rd sem...gosh, time flies by fast...im not even gonna give you that brief 'glance' into the future...we pretty much know how certain things are gonna happen...despite of whether we mention it or not...as usual, im getting my fair share of craziness...the people around me...even the ones who dont realize the impact they have on my life...its just that lately, im starting to realize that its those little things that give me hope...and make me grateful...i guess everyones view on certain things change over time-- whether you like it or not....so just keep living life to its fullest!

strength to carry on.

one more day of exams to get through...THURSDAY...then its hols; i cant wait! just the in between stages that are killing me...first the fact that im so lost...i mean you know how when you could care less about anything...people ask you stuff...you answer...then afterwards you're thinking about it...and its like 'what?!'...seriously have no idea what happened...anyways...english yesterday went well...i felt like i produced two masterpieces...haha...nah, just sorta wrote like it wasnt an exam...that gave me the calmness....days have been rather odd...feel lonely come exam time...everyones just doing their own thing and so am i...its just that when i need someone by my side; it gets hard...pulling through...just need to get myself through two more days...then im FREE...gosh i love that word...haha...anyhow, need some caffeine; then back to the books. Happy studying!

F.I.N.A.L.S

finals start tomorrow...today is easter...everything is happening all at once and its so hard to keep track of it all...im not all nervous like i usually am-- so i guess everythings under control...for once...have a study date soon so that should be interesting...just want a change of environment is all; or else i'd just sit alone...plus its always nice to be around people...right now...im hungry...its sorta early for dinner..so maybe later or something...honestly cant wait for the hols...dont have much or well- ANYTHING planned...but i'll get there...once i have time to actually think about it and plot a plan...gosh that just sounded so evil...haha...neways...good luck for finals! and happy holidays for those who are done :)

mercy

for those who are christians..happy good friday...and have a blessed easter.

since thats out of the way...onto other things..haha...my day has been great so far...the thing is...try to relate to this...everything is going surprising well for a change...or maybe its ur optimism that changes everything..so well...all is going good for once..and suddenly this one abrupt thing alters it all....just the things that come out of nowhere...things you might have never expected...so yes; it catches you off guard...i mean really...then u have mixed feelings about everything...yet again; thats the one thing that causes you to be grateful...how does someone relate to that? i mean like-- seriously.

so here i am-- begging for mercy; or something of that sort.

gives you hell.

exams are coming up...soon...like in 4 days...cant wait for them to be done...but ive been upset...--upset for the fact that my english class came to an end...dont be quick to judge me based on that though...haha...i just really enjoyed it...and time went by so fast this semester...in a blink of an eye the sem is ending...or well technically its done...just finals in the way...yet i want it to be done ASAP...so that i can relax and have fun during the hols...plus i cant stand CSC! haha...and i realize that i need to find someone who can tolerate me...or well, im too energetic..so someone who can stay up as long as i do...and function with little to zero sleep...i miss so many people...friends who i barely see...not depressed over it...just a thought that came to mind...and im looking forward to the hols- no doubt...just cant figure out where i wanna be...wheres my place? that sorta thing...and plans, etc...havent come up with much..but whatever it is; there are some things that i need to get out of the way!

happy studying; good luck for finals!

final week

yes, its officially the final week of the sem..then next week are finals...preps? idk...scared to comment on that...but well, its getting there...its holy week...sorta interesting...im still debating on whether i should go home for maundy thursday, good friday, etc...parents want me to come...still quite indecisive though..ah well, i have about three days to think about that..wow, someones alarm just went off...its officially 6.38pm on sunday..someones lazy...hahah...im in a surprisingly good mood....i have some reasons to be and others not to be...main reason...im so sick...and i feel rather weak..almost fainted in church...faint spells- once again :(...something suddenly gave me the inspiration to write...why cant everyone have what they want to be happy? i mean, essentials...like everything going decently well...or having that one person they wanna love and hold...i know theres this saying theres someone for everyone i mean seriously...how true is that? if it were close to the truth, everyone would be with someone in the end? so is it right? does everyone end up with someone? so noone dies alone? nobody ends their life just cause they feel lonely? ok maybe thats a bit besides the point...cause you could infer that maybe if they waited, the right person would come along? so yes, theres some truth to it...just sorta seeing things in a new light...genuinely happy and grateful...sorta counting my blessings....guess its the right time to- or well, about time i do....i have so much...and sometimes i wish everyone felt that warmth...the warmth that is brought by love...just knowing that someone or well quite a few people really care....and will always be there, without a doubt...not getting emo just thinking about alot...if i could have one wish, dont ask why...but if i could...i'd wish that i could mend all those broken hearts. hows that for a confession? cause i seriously cant stand to see those who deserve so much- suffering...just cause they feel lonely. -Love is what makes the world go round

H.O.M.E

no place like it...finally going home again..hardly ever do...have so many plans; cant wait! :) :)...have a good weekend everyone.

marley and me

this movie was really good...heart warming...and being the dog lover that i am-- loved it even more...but of course its something everyone can relate to...its about life...and challenges...and it shows you; no matter how hard things get, there are still those small things that make life worthwhile. i read the book before watching it so i guess it was an excellent combo...should make sure you get to watch it...so worth it :)

-everything-

this has been a pretty weird week...ive been getting sick so often....im so moody...idk...its like i myself dont know whats going on anymore...and ive been getting the whole 'u dont tell anyone anything-thing'....gets rather annoying...so right now..im stuck here cause my eye is red...yet again...i seriously dont know why it keeps happening- wish i knew...updates...have one more assignment to go...and a tutorial on friday...and next week is the last week of classes and the following week i've got finals...time is flying, seriously....im gonna miss ENL...like alot...not everyone understands why i love it so much...is it cause im actually doing decent in the class- nope...is it cause i just plain love english- partly...and some people who've never eve taken the subject said it was boring...i mean if u havent gone thru it; do u even have the right to judge?....haha...at that point, i got slightly defensive....just been going thru the usual routines...im sick of nilai food...i mean; very sick of it....i have quite a few topics to blog abou, but its gonna have to wait...cant focus right now....so good luck with the studying; for finals or whatever it is...:)

every little thing.

LOVE - yesterday i was told that i have no idea what it is...and that got me thinking....it upset me...deeply...and i kept wondering; cause its just how i am...i dont think i let go of stuff as easily as i should...i think i normally dont care enough...or when we reach those points, i dont get upset....i sorta act like i dont care...i try so hard to shield myself...so that i wont feel the pain...i do, just that noone sees it...or i dont allow them to....so yesterday was the day that i reached my breaking point....the feeling was horrible....and honestly, im sick of having to say im sorry or for having to say that i'll try...and then it seems like i never even bother at all.....so hence, i feel so caught in the middle...i dont know what to do...i have no idea if i should do anything or do nothing at all; but of course, i know what the right answer is...just that im hesitant....and yes, it still hurts...thats what amazes me...i hardly cry....and its the littlest things that get me started....but ah well...i hope i find the solution..or well am satisfied with what i decide to do....and no its not anything harsh....its just how i wana go about this...right now...i wish i could shout...or scream idk...and say something like....'you seriously have no idea what this has done to me; and you probably never will'....

trying to turn over a new leaf

posts have been getting very emo...and very very dramatic...and i can use more words to describe it but maybe its better if i dont...and i CAN delete those posts...but ah well...i felt like that at the time...and i always say i dont express myself enough..so thats there to remind me of myself when i was way too expressive...so yes, im turning over a new leaf..in the sense of my writing....try to avoid the personal things...lets see how this goes.....

shattered; somewhat.

it took awhile, but yes im back :)...not exactly in the best of moods and i know its pretty easy to fake it when ur typing or writing...noone can sense that tinge of emotion...but im not gonna do that...no faking...except that one smile at the beginning...i feel so pressured, i feel weak...just sick and tired of everything...and i mean it..every little thing that wasnt ok, but that i acted like it was...so yeah...guess its all taking up way too much energy...and most of all; i dont know where certain people are when i need them the most...i miss one person in particular; and this person probably doesnt even know it..and its odd how when u cant see the person; thats when u wanna tell them everything...but u cant...it sucks...reality : u cant have everything u want....u never will have everything u want..so where do we go from there?

LOST

i wont be posting for awhile...some things i need to think about..so till then, take care. Ill be back as soon as i can.

interesting answers-- slash that...the MOST interesting answers

as i have mentioned about a gazillion times already -- 'research paper/ report (or what other references i made to it..), i finally decided to let you in on the fun...here are some examples...

Q: what is your view on sex?
A: it is an 'evil' act carried out by married couples to produce offspring
A: done for the experience

Q:would you opt for protection when carrying out this activity?
A:yes
Q:why?
A:i dont wanna be a dad just yet

and it goes on and 0n...i started to wonder if people were honest when giving answers...did they really mean what they said? or was it just so that they wouldnt be judged and wouldnt have to feel ashamed of themselves (although i cant see why, i dont ask for names )....its just funny how many of us try to twist our words or perceptions; just for the sake of our image...worrying about what others think instead of what we really think or feel about a particular topic or situation....

love and memories

Lovely, you're always lovely
A visionYou were the one
Now I am stuck inside a memory
You forgot about our destiny
You buried meDidn't you?Didn't you?
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
You're always floating
A vaporThat I couldn't seeHere
I am stuck inside a yesterday
Everything has given way
You fell from meDidn't you?Didn't you?
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories
Maybe I am a crowded mind
I watch your eyes glaze over
Stared down at the floor
You were amazing to me
I was amazing to you
But here we go again
Didn't youLove me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories

lately ive been really into this song...alot has been happening...just so much work...i feel so pressured...then i get so sick...then im ok...and then i worry that certain things are coming to an end yet they have been better than ever :)...the week has been pretty interesting altogether...just that i wish that i had spent more time with certain people...i shall try and do that in the coming week..so for starters im going for a camp during the hols...i remember when it used to happen 'ur going for camp..seriously?!'....its like nobody ever believed i could survive at camp..came across as an insult...but i guess i proved them wrong; somehow...on my list...i still have my interpretation of data...and im so hungry right now; cant even think straight! so anyways...have a fun weekend, i have a feeling i will =)

back on track

tonight was an interesting one...for one..i thought id eat dinner early..like at 6...haha...and then continue with all my hw and stuff...and then i was starving..so i went for a second dinner at 12 something...there was lightning and stuff..so we got worried that we wouldnt be able to get back to coll in time...so we walk so fast...ends up drizzling...then i come and get approached..so many people..boy was it interesting...then this random guy kevin comes and talks to me...back on track? idk, what shall i consider it as?

love and everything else...

ok...the weekend was pretty good; like really...to the extent that certain people were surprised to hear that i had a good time..which made me wonder...do i really put off going home? so often? then i realized that my recent posts have sounded rather 'confused'...first i said i wanna do this, then that...so idk...just scratch all that..whatever that seems to be like that...love..im still on the subject...or well i always am...just that i try not to bore people by talking about it over and over again..afterall, whats the harm? we all fall in love, or wanna fall in love right? so its relevant...once again i miss so many people...and you know who you are...sometimes it gets so hard...trying to be strong and not being able to be strong..then ive been having my whole sleeping problem...it scares me; cause i barely sleep and yet im so hyper...even at 4am..so yeah....i always wish i had answers...answers to love related taboos, etc, etc....the night i was watching one tree hill...i actually teared, its sorta odd...the lady was talking about how haley can look past all nathans mistakes and still find a way to forgive him...i guess thats awesome in its on way...forgiving...maybe thats an aspect of love..i mean a stronger aspect that we always look past...just in a writing mood...

the quest for answers.

answers..dont we all need them? i feel like lately; im more lost than ever...spiritually, emotionally..whatever possible way...its a horrible feeling..a.nd im sick of acting like its all under control cause it really isnt..the more i pretend, the harder it gets....im under so much pressure..for one....everyone seems to busy for me...and i cant stand it...then like...when i dont see certain people, my relationship with them sorta breaks...we grow further apart...then theres the fact that you have a million things to say but you dont get the chance to...and when you do get that chance, you dont feel like doing it anymore..all in all...i hate this friday...i didnt expect it to turn out like this..not the slightest bit...i feel like crying but i cant..i hope the weekend turns out a whole lot better.

when we run out of ideas...

ok so i havent exactly been fair...theres so much to blog about; be it weird dreams, things that are happening, things that cross my mind like ever other second, etc....for a start this one friend of mine is so interested in seeing who my roomie is...so lets get on to abit of gossip...:)...i miss having gossip and stuff all the time...main reason being i barely have time and stuff...at school it used to be a bigger deal...or well i sorta infused myself with all that...anyways...she doesnt stay at coll...people think that its odd how she actually talks to me...cause she doesnt seem to talk to anyone else...and people only see her in class...then its a magic spoof...she just dissapears...haha...i find that funny..so today when i was having lunch...or well after i bought my food...i saw her there...so i suddenly remembered...dragged my friend over, our luck; she already left..so thats that..now its like my priority to show her...today has been a lazy day...a whole lot of reading and hanging out.. the work shall begin shortly...i have this thing..when i start doing it i get so absorbed in my work that i forget everything around me...like really..it scares some people...i feel guilty...number one reason being that i dont update as much as i like...and everyone is so busy...noone updates their blog as often too...which means i dont get to read new stuff...sorta miss it...so im really gonna start to get back on track..i mean 'blogsphere' wise...write more often, cause i really enjoy it...i used to hate sharing my point of views and stuff...thinking that it gives away too much of me...but it doesnt..i mean whats the point if you keep it all to yourself...doesnt that make you selfish? i enjoyed the idea of having so many secrets...like living in secrecy; that sorta thing..dont ask me why...its real weird...ive been listening to lenny kravitz...gosh that voice...ahhahha...anyways...and i like justin timberlake and TI's new one...dead and gone...its odd...cause at the beginning of the video they show this bible verse...and you tend to go...what song could this be? and you see TI...and go OMG...ahhahha...this semester is going by so fast, it scares me...the good thing is, i feel so in control :)...more than i should be at times...its like i am so occupied...and i enjoy what im doing...idk..just tend to get all emo sometimes...i mean really..just kicks in all of a sudden..so im really grateful to those people who can tolerate it...in ways, im so hard to live with...and im questioning the existence of God...i thought i settled all my insecurities about that etc...but i havent...OMG...i just wish there were answers..answers are what i need...like so much...ah well..so thats my quest..something i need to get sorted out very soon..or well, as soon as i can....

money minded..

i find so much truth in that...everyone or well almost everyone is money minded...i mean, its hard to live if you aren't, cause everything requires it...you cant live on absolutely nothing right? ive been realizing that i spend way too much...i mean like really...need to cut down...in a way, maybe yes i am like becky bloomwood..not like im proud of it...even the slightest bit..so neways..i feel so hungry...and tensed...and im worrying about things once again...havent done that in awhile...just a worrier...the pressure is associated with all the work that is awaiting...i have to re-do my review of lit...gonna be hell...:(...not gonna make myself even more upset by thinking about it...i had a decent day...class got done early...helped friend out with graphs...then had a nice conversation with my roomie...was fun..and right now theres so much noise here...no idea what everyone is up to..gosh, i get so distracted..so yeah, thats all for updates...guess im gonna start with my work! :'(

beautiful

a song by akon..not a huge fan of him...but i enjoy the song :)

neways...just starting to realize how much work i have..research stuff, homework, assignment..the whole web page thing...gosh gosh gosh...

chris brown and rihanna

this really got me....chris brown abusing rihanna was the first...i was so shocked...i didnt believe it; not until i saw the pictures...she looked awful...then i hear they are back together..at some point, i disliked them as a couple idk...and then i was like 'its not too bad'...then he hits her...and its like...how could he do that? why did he? what exactly was he thinking...and now they're back together...or well...trying to "sort everything out"...we all know what that means...i disagree with it...i mean, strongly...no girl should stay with a man who abuses her...if he dared to hurt you once, whats stopping him from doing it again? so the whole reconciliation thing kills me...i wish it didnt happen...if you have your own point of view on this, feel free to share your thoughts...

friends...

is it right to say you're friends, but then avoid the person? this isnt exactly happening to me, but is happening around me...i was wondering why a friend of mine has been acting strange...i now have answers...she is avoiding this other friend of mine...i mean, whats the point really? of going behind people's back...if you dont like something...just tell them straight off...why hide it? if you're really a friend, shouldnt you be honest? even if its something you really cant stand...so yeah, shes avoiding her...avoiding doing things that this girl is involved in..sorta makes me feel rotten..dont know why...nobody is perfect...i just disagree with her...how would she like it if it were her who was getting treated that way...as they say 'do unto others what you would do to yourself'.

dissapointing people.

i hate it...i hate the feeling...the feeling of knowing that you're dissapointing someone or that you've dissapointed someone...and in some instances, it isnt even your fault...or well, there wasnt much you could have done...it sucks...like very much...grandparents...thats whats on my mind...no emo stuff...no bf...no friend stuff...for a change...ive been very emotional but not gonna go there; its sorta embaressing plus im trying not to think about it...my grandparents in the US...honestly, i hardly ever think about those who are far away...even friends...cause i just cant...i takes too much of me...it hurts...so i try not to think about it...thinking that thats the best choice...i know it isnt; but im still stubborn..so anyways, my grandma was going on about how she never sees us and stuff like that...i know how hard that must be...not being able to see your child or grandchildren...must feel awful...sometimes i wish i didnt feel so guilty...cause i really do...feel guilty i mean...today was hard...lately ive been saying everyday is hard..i got up wishing i could stay in bed...felt so sick the entire day...so weak...all of a sudden...and like to go downstairs and come back up, takes so much energy...just gonna be happy...about other things...hopefully tomorrow turns out better...just the weak feeling thats making me moody...i hate it...ok enough with the 'i hate it's'....not gonna talk about my day...i just wanna think about stuff...driving myself insane...as usual...urghhhh....

assessments?

for some reason i feel the title looks very odd...idk...just this thing with words...its only after doing academic writing do i realize how many words i still dont know how to spell...not exactly that; more to me being unsure about the spelling...i have no idea where everyone is today...planned on going to church; felt sick...so i stayed back...and the people i want to talk to dont seem to be online..i text and get no replies, i msg them on msn and get no replies...seriously feel weird about the whole thing...have yet another assessment tomorrow...english...tend to feel like theres always a test; which is true...no doubt...another 10%...seem to be doing reasonably good and thats what makes me feel satisfied...for once :)....believe it or not i have hw...but it isnt due yet...he gave us like 2 weeks to do it...sorta putting it off...not a good thing...but seriously not in the mood to do it...i remember having this weird dream last night...i wish i could remember what it was about though...

life.

first of all - updates...the whole thing about not being able to see the person you want to...dad sorta blew that out of proportion....not gonna get into the whole thing and not gonna share my decision...haha...this week has been so hectic...never ending research, assignments, homework...and test...the test turned out pretty well...i think im gonna do great...research is fun...just rather tedious at times....

my topic...life...lately ive been thinking about...love and life...i mean each one is not associated to the other...love...i never got enough of it...and no i most definetely am not talking about the current relationship but previous relationships....i somehow used to feel like i gave it my all; yet got so little in return...now its all just very different..its like every little thing surprises me....and even the smallest things touch my life in like the biggest ways...how i always tend to get emotional; but control it...but yeah...overall amazing...then life...im trying to figure out certain things...like do you think our life line is already determined...? like...how long each person has to live...which varies among people...or would it make more sense if we all were given the exact same time line initially...but its those small things we get ourselves into...the things we do...all the things we ask for and bring to ourselves...so from there each persons bad habits deducts a certain percentage of their life line? or is it something else? idk...

latest read : confessions of a shopaholic...just the right book for me...and of a related topic...haha...its something you wont wana put down...if ur into the whole shopping, love thing...(excessive spending)...

latest watch: bride wars...it was real good...funny yet sad...certain parts did get to me...the girl beside me was sobbing...i mean it wasnt that sad...i wanna watch new in town too...and cant wait for marley and me, confessions of a shopaholic...read the book already...cant wait for 90210!!! next week are the new episodes :) :)....

latest...song?...ok, something i really like ;) :...beyonce's 'halo'....i have been listening to it non-stop...still not sick of it...somehow i feel like it relfects...ive been trying to find people who actually like it...my friends think its too mellow..it isnt...

so thats that for now...gonna stay out tonight..havent been out much this whole week...been so occupied with work and stuff...tired, but havent napped...haha...so yeah...friday night; here i come! ;)

telling you what to and not to do

i hate it...really...my dad is telling me who to not be friends with...we've been friends for 10 years....how do you push someone who has been in your life for so long away like that? instantly....this has been on my mind...like the whole weekend...and still...lately ive been getting so emotional so it gets harder...right now im distracting myself; when i cant seem to handle stuff...when i feel like giving up and it all seems like way too much :(...arghhhh.....i really wish i didnt feel this way...

home sweet home

when you're away from home, dorm rooms are considered as your 'home'...or well to a certain extent at least your 'second home'...ive gotten pretty comfortable here...i mean i barely go home anymore..maybe thats why...so i barely mind it...campus life is fun...i mean its not like nilai has so much to offer; but its not that bad...i enjoy the freedom, people, etc....living on your own and all that, independence...is nice too....tend to feel responsible for yourself....of course, you're not exempted from the drama that surrounds you...what does this have to do with anything really? its just that, i havent been home in almost a month....and im headed home today...for a day...kinda insane i know...why not the whole weekend? i seriously dont know...so yeah...will have to visit my grandparents, spend time with my family etc...should be cool..i know time is gonna fly! and my bed...ahhhhh---heaven :)

reviews

im stuck doing my 'review of literature' for my research report..my topic being 'teen pregnancy'....quite interesting actually...then i have my webpage design assgn....gosh...whole lot of work...then tests and mid-terms and all that other stuff...definetely not forgetting the drama...sometimes i just dont understand how certain people think..and then i feel some are way too dependent on other people...im surprising myself nowadays....realize im quite strong on my own and im ok with the hard work....im actually re-typing everything for my review of literature...meaning- absolutely no plagiarism...haha...impressive i know..did that for my csc assgn too..haha...what exactly have i been up to these days? quite abit...and ive been having sleeping issues....its disturbing...i sorta half sleep walk- bang into the wall...have insane dreams...then as usual; try to interpret them...but fail....i guess theres just some things you'll never understand...right now i have my study companion- nescafe...gosh i think i DO have an addiction to coffee....just keeps me going...i have 3 more sources to go....probably heading to kl tomorrow...just to relax abit...then continue all my hw...then going home on saturday...for a day! havent been home in weeks...but i think its about time i do...do i miss home? honestly, i dont know anymore...somehow just adjusting to it...im still listening to david cook's permanent....i can listen to it over and over again yet not get sick of it...then i watched abit of AI today...theres this one guy who has great potential...so whats on the coll. calender? i think they had this 'snacks and ladders' thing today...idk...i thought it was like the board game or something..guess i was wrong...heard its some 'obstacle' like thing...whatever that means ( description by a friend; not me ).....then theres orientation day next week...crowning of mr and ms inti...i feel it is so over-rated...shall get to that if i can relate a topic to that....then theres cultural night in march...alot is happening...days are going by so fast...its like you feel the week has just begun; and its almost the weekend...ive been getting hooked on bowling on fb...and ive tried twitter..dont exactly get the whole point - YET.

loving ourselves before anyone else

i mean we always blindly say yes we do love ourselves...in ways yeah, we are selfish..and we tend to care more about ourselves way before anyone or anything else...what about those who put others way before themselves? in the hopes that by being there; the reward is greater...how often do we play mind games...thinking that if we do a certain thing, we will be rewarded...just how frequently do you not expect anything in return? i mean seriously, is it that much to ask for? but i guess that is the key to love..love yourself...know you...before committing to someone else...how can you try to understand someone else if you dont even understand you? alot of interesting things have been happening..for starters my whole v day thing...was out the whole day...got wished by random stranger..and there have been groups of people bothering me; gets kinda insane...then stuff with my roomie...my friends...everything that has to do with assgns, tests, etc...overall it has been great...just that i was real sick on sunday...maybe just maybe it was exhaustion...i realize i tend to go on and on about love...and well--my relationship...im gonna stop emphasizing on that so much...and relate stuff to topics...but not out right talk about it...or well, not so blatantly...

onto the next subject...body peace...
guys and girls alike...
how confident are you in your own skin? do you find yourself being so self conscious at times it drives you absolutely insane? its about time you let go...just love you for you...and expect nothing more...everything is special and unique in their own way...and thats why we are different...today my professor said something...and its probably something we should all keep in mind...live everyday like its ur first and last...:)

valentines day...its here!

first of all, happy valentines day! ive had the best beginning, EVER...or well, till now...hahahha...then i have to be up by 9 or so...its insane...going to the theme park...then sungei wang plaza...SHOPPING!....hope all of you out there have an amazing v day...and one of my friends was actually depressed...reason being he had noone to spend the day with...and so he got all desperate and wanted to get that girl to be his gf by v day...just so he wont be 'mr.lonely'....now why do we go to these extents? i mean im not single this v day so u cant use that against me...even if i were alone...and i was alone so many v days...we still had fun...i mean u can do a singles thing...love yourself...:)

opinions

sometimes its so hard to make certain choices...and then you go 'oh maybe it will be easier if i get opinions'....but then that makes things a whole lot worse....reason being everyone will gave a different point of view and not everyone is gonna agree with you on certain levels...so i guess maybe its best that you have a rough idea of what your choice might be...or its gonna be really hard...for an update...ive been so busy...research, assignment, test...urghhh...all is finally done ( for awhile)...tests and stuff at least...i have to spend the day at the library to look for my resources, probably tomorrow...then my homework...distribute my questionnaires...and might go for a movie...the problem : broke...i mean not really...but i get so little nowadays that i seriously dont know what to do...sometimes i feel like parents dont understand...i mean how do you spend only 50 per week...sunday thru saturday...its kinda insane, or well very insane...so tomorrow is the 13th...valentines on saturday...its odd how i feel i dont even need that anymore...cause im genuinely happy where i am right now...:)...all in all...its all splendid...im just curious to see what goes on over the weekend...the coll is organizing this genting trip so idk....haha...im probably going to time square though...with friends...theme park= total fun...i love the rides and stuff...i just hope that they can handle me...my friends i mean...i dont tend to get sick or anything...so its like id go on everything till im tired....speaking of tired...i had like 3 hours of sleep last night...was insane...had to get coffee right before class...and in class i was being super annoying...poking my friend and stuff....and thinking about names, dont ask why...and i kept calling her for no reason...in the end i told her to just ignore me....doing surprisingly well for running on that little sleep...so thats that for now...all i can think of at the moment..usual being theres alot just that i honestly cant remember right now..

quotations.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.- Aristotle

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,My love as deep; the more I give to thee,The more I have, for both are infinite. - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.- Henry Ward Beecher

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.-Helen Keller

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.- Zora Neale Hurston

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.- Dorothy Parker

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other waythan this: where I does not exist nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.- Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XVII"

the history of valentines day

i found this quite interesting.

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl — who may have been his jailor's daughter — who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.While some believe that Valentine's Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine's death or burial — which probably occurred around 270 A.D — others claim that the Christian church may have decided to celebrate Valentine's feast day in the middle of February in an effort to 'christianize' celebrations of the pagan Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat called spelt throughout their interiors. Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at the sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would then sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification.The boys then sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed being touched with the hides because it was believed the strips would make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage. Pope Gelasius declared February 14 St. Valentine's Day around 498 A.D. The Roman 'lottery' system for romantic pairing was deemed un-Christian and outlawed. Later, during the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of February — Valentine's Day — should be a day for romance. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. The greeting, which was written in 1415, is part of the manuscript collection of the British Library in London, England. Several years later, it is believed that King Henry V hired a writer named John Lydgate to compose a valentine note to Catherine of Valois.In Great Britain, Valentine's Day began to be popularly celebrated around the seventeenth century. By the middle of the eighteenth century, it was common for friends and lovers in all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes. By the end of the century, printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one's feelings was discouraged. Cheaper postage rates also contributed to an increase in the popularity of sending Valentine's Day greetings. Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began to sell the first mass-produced valentines in America.According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.)Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia.Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages (written Valentine's didn't begin to appear until after 1400), and the oldest known Valentine card is on display at the British Museum. The first commercial Valentine's Day greeting cards produced in the U.S. were created in the 1840s by Esther A. Howland. Howland, known as the Mother of the Valentine, made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as "scrap".

grades

im really happy right now...did well..was kinda worried...urghh...another day of studying.. have a test tomorrow..done for now though...gonna see my friend in awhile...havent seen him for like a week i think...idk...:)...so much for weirdness....theres so much...

im officially going nuts

i just realized i didnt even get to the point...i intended on writing something and didnt even get to it...imagine knowing someone with the exact same name as you? them doing almost the same stuff that you do...liking the stuff you like...and being able to finish your sentences...its like they know what you're thinking...isnt that freaky?

total weirdness....

recently ive realized that i have this thing about titles...barely do i get a title that i really like...never seem to get the right one...the weekend went by surprisingly fast...had today off as well ( monday )...seeing as how thaipusam was yesterday..i didnt go home this week...so i went to church from here...service was awesome...it was so much fun...met many new people...and have seen a few of them around already...forced myself to get out of bed early...seeing as how i try to get myself to do something productive...always seem to feel like i waste way too much time...then ive been noticing stuff...and worrying and my everlasting list of worries...been noticing my regimes..like i do this then this...and its like i have to do it all or i somehow feel incomplete...haha...getting quite paranoid...this chair is so uncomfortable...i would get myself another one, but im on the 4th floor...and no1 is gonna help me bring it up...so might as well live with it..i should honestly consider moving down a floor or two next semester...so today basically revolved around me getting my assignment done...reformatting my business card thing for computer class....got everything printed...did a bit of studying, some reading, music...and a whole lot of walking...more stairs..haha...last night i played badminton...it was fun...but it was like i was the only one running...she just seemed to stand still...im listening to katy perry's thinking of you...been doing that alot...i say the song is annoying yet theres something about it that i really like...i think i dont admit stuff...like how i said i didnt miss home...maybe i do a whole lot just that i hate to admit it....i just get so annoyed by my family sometimes...its like they dont care...a whole lot of drama, not gonna get into details...and sometimes i think people need to tell me to 'play nice'...i feel like every so often i overshadow my real feelings by saying its ok when its not....but when i dont like someone or something i can straight out say it...at times i feel like im too harsh...its like...thanks for being discrete...then theres things with guards...they are nice...some are weird...haha...and someone told me that i looked arabic...and then chinese...thats new...im used to getting the malay thing very often...so tomorrows gonna be about studying, have a test the following day...then will have to get started on my resources for my research report...i guess the work will be worth it, the result will be amazing...ive seen specimens and they look really good :)....more about v day...what did v day mean to me? what does it mean to me right now? it changed, a whole lot....i used to be upset if i wasnt with someone for valentines...it seemed like it was more about gifts, etc...but i now know whats important...you dont even need to be with someone..love yourself....but if you are, all the better ;)...love and be loved back...and it doesnt even need to be expensive...just spending time with that person is more than enough..just cherish those moments..while you can...and appreciate every step you take with him/ her...have a wonderful week ahead

xx

weird nights

so we cooked today, the food was absolutely disastrous...and to be honest i didnt do much..eventhough its the weekend..slept late, got up...studied the whole day..did my assgn and stuff...then cooked, was in my frens room....went out and stuff...everyones so moody when im not...sorta sucks...just remembered that i have to do references...oh gosh...quite abit seems to happen lately..and ive been having weird dreams..and yeah, im going to church tomorrow..from coll...first time im doing that...and im in my 3rd sem already...haha...there is a reason behind that, seeing as how nilai college has starbucks!!! ...dont say starbucks over god...or anything like that...i was just so surprised when i found out about that...so im going for the sake of my curiosity...:)

of sleepless nights.

sleepless nights...having these quite frequently...how do u not when ur at coll? stayed back this week, yet again...people start to wonder if i even miss home...its complicated...ok well, it sorta is and sorta isnt...we'll just stick to me- being here...friday nights are always full of craziness...staying out late..weird encounters, odd experiences, doing weird things...cause nobody cares....u can do whatever whenever you like...so i was playing this game with my friend...and these people were talking about us, etc...in chinese..how long it has been since i last spoke the language...besides the point, but they had no idea i understood...weird....like people saying stuff, them thinking u have no clue, but u have the full picture...i would write more...so much craziness....just lazy to type..its 3am, dont blame me!

have a fantabulous weekend! :)

valentines day in other countries

Australia

During the Australian gold rush period, miners who were suddenly in possession of money from the new-found wealth of the Ballarat Mines were willing to pay a princely sum for elaborate valentines and merchants in the country would ship orders amounting to thousands of pounds at a time. The most extravagent Australian valentines were made of a satin cushion, perfumed and decorated in an ornate manner with flowers and colored shells. Some might even be adorned with a taxidermied humming bird or bird of paradise. This treasure, contained within a neatly decorated box, was highly valued, being both fashionable and extremely expensive.

Austria

Austria has some rather obscure courtship customs that may or may not be associated with Saint Valentine's Day. Nonetheless, it is customary for a young man to present his beloved with a bunch of flowers on February 14.

America

In the United States of America, there have been many varieties of cards given over the course of the years, some of which have often been rude or even quite cruel in their humor. In the times of the Civil War, cards were flagged with rich colors accompanied by patriotic and/or political motifs. Early American valentine cards were especially lithographed and hand-colored, beautiful and distinctive in design, produced with intricate lace paper and decorated with such ornaments as beads, sea shells, cones, berries and all manner of seeds. Cards were also available decorated with seaweed or moss, in addition to dried and/or artificial flowers, all of which were attached to a string which was pulled and could then be suspended, thereby creating a three-dimensional picture. Many early American cards were imported from abroad, given the poor quality of American paper at the time which was not particularly suitable for embossing. Today, American children usually exchange valentines with their friends and there may even be a classroom party.

Britain

The poets of Britain have probably penned the majority of the best-loved romantic verses associated with Saint Valentine. Different regions of the nation celebrate their own customs to honor this day, although the sending of cards and gifts of flowers and chocolates is standard procedure throughout the entire country. One uniform custom is the singing of special songs by children, who then receive gifts of candy, fruit or money. In some areas, valentine buns are baked with caraway seeds, plums or raisins.

Denmark

The Danish valentine card is known as a "lover's card." Older versions of this greeting came in the form of a transparency which, when held up to the light, depicted the image of a lover handing his beloved a gift. One custom in Denmark is for people to send pressed white flowers called Snowdrops to their friends. Danish men may also send a form of valentine known as a gaekkebrev (or "joking letter"). The sender of this gaekkebrev pens a rhyme but does not sign his name. Instead, he signs the message with dots...one dot for each letter in his name. If the lady who receives the card guesses the name of the sender, then she is rewarded with an Easter Egg later in the year.

France

In France, a custom known as "drawing for" once occurred. Unmarried individuals, both young and not so young, would go into houses facing each other and begin calling out across from one window to another, pairing-off with the chosen partner. If the young man failed to be particularly enthralled with his valentine, he would desert her. As a result, a bonfire would be lit later where the ladies could burn images of the ungrateful sweetheart and verbally abuse him in a loud tone as the effigy burned. This ritual was eventually abandoned since it left much room for nastiness, ridicule or even outright malice and the French government finally handed-down a decree officially banning the custom. Elegant French greetings cards known as cartes d'amities, which contained tender messages, were given not totally as a Valentine but chiefly as a result of a fashion which was popular in England at the time.

Germany

In Germany, it has become customary for the young man of a courting couple to present his beloved with flowers on February 14. Valentine gifts in Germany are usually in the shape of love tokens, complete with endearing messages. However, these are not distributed solely on Valentine's Day, but on any occasion. Even early German baptismal certificates or marriage certificates were considered at one time to have been valentines, but were more likely simply decorative and pictorial documents which contained lovely verses.
In Italy, Valentine's Day was once celebrated as a Spring Festival, held in the open air, where young people would gather in tree arbors or ornamental gardens to listen to music and the reading of poetry. However, over the course of the years, this custom steadily ceased and has not now been celebrated for centuries. In Turin, it was formerly the custom for betrothed couples to announce their engagements on February 14. For several days ahead of time, the stores would be decorated and filled with all manner of bon-bons.

Japan

In Japan, Valentine's Day is celebrated on two different dates...February 14 and March 14. On the first date, the female gives a gift to the male and on the second date...known as White Day and supposedly introduced by a marshmallow company in the 1960s...the male has to return the gift he received on February 14. Thus, strictly speaking, a Japanese female has the luxury of actually choosing her own gift. Chocolate is the most popular gift in Japan. However, since most Japanese females believe that store-bought chocolate is not a gift of true love, they tend to make the confection with their own hands.

Korea

The traditional gift of candy takes place in Korea on February 14, but only from females to males. There is another special day for males to give gifts to females and this is celebrated on March 14. Very similar to the custom in Japan, March 14 in Korea is known as "White Day." On "White Day," many young men confess their love for the first time to their sweethearts. For those young people who have no particular romantic partners, the Koreans have set aside yet another date...April 14, also known as "Black Day." On that date, such individuals get together and partake of Jajang noodles, which are black in color, hence the name of the day.

Scotland

In Scotland, Valentine's Day is celebrated with a festival. At this festival, there is an equal number of unmarried males and females, each of whom write their name (or a made-up name) on a piece of paper which is then folded and placed into a hat...one hat for the ladies and one for the men. The females then draw a name from the hat containing the men's names and vice versa. Of course, it is highly likely that the two drawn names will not match, in which event, it is usually expected that the male partner with the female who selected his name. This rite having been completed, the company split up into couples and gifts are given to the ladies. The females would then pin the name of their partner over their hearts or on their sleeves. A dance often follows and, at the end of the festival, it is not unusual for marriages to take place. According to another Scottish custom, the first young man or woman encountered by chance on the street or elsewhere will become that individual's valentine. Valentine's Day gifts in Scotland are frequently given by both parties in the form of a love-token or true-love-knot.

Spain

In Spain, it is customary for courting couples to exchange gifts on Valentine's Day and for husbands to send their wives bouquets of roses.
Valentine's Day is celebrated in Taiwan on February 14, but there is also a special Valentine's Day on July 7 of the lunar calendar, based on an ancient Chinese folktale (**). Both dates are equally as important. Many men purchase expensive bouquets of roses and other flowers for their sweethearts on these days. According to Taiwan tradition, the color and number of the roses holds much significance. For example, one red rose means "an only love," eleven roses means "a favorite," ninety-nine roses means "forever," and one hundred eight roses means "marry me."

mixed feelings..

i know i havent been entirely honest..about quite a few things...1st, i barely express feelings ( minus all my lovey dovey junk)...i try to hide all emotion possible...2nd, i hardly mention names....not for the sake of their identity, but the fact that i hate everyone knowing everything about me...nothing to do with secrets...just that once names are mentioned, things may get a little twisted...and dont ask me why i blog if i hate sharing feelings? i guess i keep emotions and feelings to myself most of the time...3rd, i dont talk about past events or relationships...i guess thats all that ill number...the rest will just flow out as i continue writing...i should be happy...i mean i saw him...but honestly, its like...when i dont see him it hurts...when i see him, it hurts too...so then what do i do? hes not hurting me physically or anything so dont get any ideas in your head...its just that, when i dont see him i miss him...and when i do...which seems to be less and less as the days go by...i hate it when it comes to an end...its upsetting when u look at the time, its just flying..drives me absolutely insane...then its like...theres so much to say...yet u dont say it..in fear of not having enough time...just like my whole missing thing...i can say i get so used to it that it doesnt hurt...that im used to it cause i dont see him...in another way, it kills me..slowly everyday...then theres me...just worry way too easily...really gets to me at times...then i feel like so many people have to be strong for me; cause if i knew the truth, i probably cant handle it....this is what i have been dealing with...with tests, assgns, etc...and roomie...but im starting to get used to it...its actually better having the whole room to myself...just that i feel i wasnt warned and just agreed and didnt know what i was getting myself into...i dont miss home...and i hate that i feel that way...so many people miss it like crazy yet i dont even have a hint of it...then i realized that i barely share all my thoughts with anyone...i mean, i have close friends, i tell them stuff...yet they dont hear about stuff when im falling apart....the bf does...sometimes i feel like im too hard...things arent that hard, yet i make it seem that way...i dont say things cause i dont want anyone to get hurt...i say stuff cause i want to hurt people just cause they hurt me...how awful is that?

had to get all that out of the way...thought id try letting people know how i feel...just those time...where u feel like everything is falling apart and its just too much to bear...but when you look back on it, u wonder why u even felt that way to begin with...ive been having so much fun...i mean i have a real free schedule...and i feel bad...cause i finally feel like i can handle it...i feel in control...ah well, next semester i guess...so ive been trying new things...overall, life is going well...im loving and being loved back...i wish i appreciated it a whole lot more...like how i used to...cause they all do love me..sincerely, its about time i believe and really cherish it...life is way too short...so sometimes its better that they know how u feel, cause you'll never know if its too late...and what tomorrow has in store for you...and btw, everyone is having tests and stuff now...so for all those who are, good luck...i had one this week, having one next week..and mid terms the following...just great..so now for some adjustments to my assgn, then my weekend has offically begun =)

research report

gosh, i seriously never thought that research would be this hard...sadly, its already getting the best of me. resources, problem statements, questions...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....and its all due in about a week...that and tests, assignments, mid terms...all at once...i need to keep myself sane...had a pretty long night...had a test today...went well, surprisingly...and now i wanna sleep! :)...not like i'll get to...quite unlikely that i fall asleep at a time like this...doesnt mean i wont try ;)

work load

just wonderful...everything is coming in at the same time...assignments, tests...and i have one tomorrow! the worst part -- 1 day notice :(...then tutorial next week...and mid terms the next...gosh...odd thing is, im not stressed....for once...i always tend to worry...but in the end its all ok...ah well...im soooo hungry...and its raining...so im stuck in my room for awhile....had a pretty long day...i mean...no rest, no lunch...then assignment...did this tag thing on fb...interesting...coming up with random thoughts :)...ive been pretty cheerful lately...no idea why...for someone whos always moody...not like its a bad thing ;)...urghhh....hungry..and kinda sick....

words of wisdom : you have nothing to fear but yourself.

v day

valentines day...what does it mean to you? to celebrate or to not celebrate? some people go with the idea of valentines day being 'commercialized'...well im not saying you're wrong, just that i think they started it for the sake of remembering that special one or- special ones ( family, friends, etc) on that one particular day...yet again, im not saying that you dont remember them every other day of your life; just that you use that one day to go all out...it doesnt have to be expensive, its the thought that counts...* i wanna be surprised! *...thats just me...and its not even gifts, but nvm...its like the smallest thing...so whats with the vday vibe? its only the 2nd...being the romantic at heart, just thought i'd get started early...shall try to associate stuff with valentines day...so to everyone out there, just make the most out of the day; have fun!

after CNY break

ok..once again...BACK AT COLL...not too bad..just that i dreaded coming back for once...nope no arguements, no reasons as to why i wouldnt wanna come back..just that things went surprisingly well at home this time around...overall...was rather INTERESTING...just hanging around with friends...spending time with the family...movie...dinners, etc....had plans almost everyday ( guess thats a good sign! )....the room is so cold...as usual...increased the tempt, dont feel the change...i spent this afternoon unpacking, cleaning, sending in my hw and stuff....then slept for awhile..just didnt know what to do...and now i think im gonna get to my assgn...before my roomie gets back...then its all goss :)....

neways, just thought id update...barely do anymore...honestly not sure why; plus its about time i stop giving excuses! ;)

LOVE vs. HATE

dont you agree that these are two very powerful words? i think so...some people can say it easily, words do come easy...but for the remaining, we only use these words when we are sure we feel it...in this case, count me as one of them...even when i feel it i dont say it...i have to be sure...its not that i dont trust how i feel...or well -- emotions...its just that sometimes you can get so caught up in the moment...you may say stuff and then you cant take it back...then there are the times when you feel like saying something, or asking about something...yet you hold back...fear holds you back..ive done that way too many times...and im not anymore...sometimes people get on you for saying stuff and not actually doing it...ive done that quite a few times...im trying, but havent gone all the way with it...once people know, i guess theres pressure into actually doing it...yet its good that people know -- gives you that push you need....i honestly think im starting to be happier...and stronger...its good...just sometimes wish it kicked in a little faster! ive been reflecting and stuff...thinking about the past, present and planning for the future...i mean i have goals and stuff...but i used to be afraid..even to think of it ( the future )...thinking that if i yearn for something and it doesnt happen, i will be crushed..maybe its ok...if it doesnt go as planned...you'll get other things that will make it worthwhile...and im so grateful..for all the wonderful people around me...i finally feel like me again.,.entirely...and im keeping it that way...4 months and im still very much in love...its insane how certain things surprise you...everyone has those bad days, yet its still strong...havent gone steady for awhile...and i actually like it...people will be surprised by that, but who cares...haha...what isnt fair to him, i havent been there entirely...for awhile i thought maybe it was time and space that i should give him...i THOUGHT....i guess its wrong to make assumptions...sometimes you just follow your heart...no matter how wrong the choice seems....i shall continue to fight my fears....i have no idea when the optimism kicked in, but i guess its all good :)...i suddenly feel like im on top of the world!

back to coll tomorrow...the week flew by so fast...but i guess im ready to go back...routines...the people =)