i know i havent been entirely honest..about quite a few things...1st, i barely express feelings ( minus all my lovey dovey junk)...i try to hide all emotion possible...2nd, i hardly mention names....not for the sake of their identity, but the fact that i hate everyone knowing everything about me...nothing to do with secrets...just that once names are mentioned, things may get a little twisted...and dont ask me why i blog if i hate sharing feelings? i guess i keep emotions and feelings to myself most of the time...3rd, i dont talk about past events or relationships...i guess thats all that ill number...the rest will just flow out as i continue writing...i should be happy...i mean i saw him...but honestly, its like...when i dont see him it hurts...when i see him, it hurts too...so then what do i do? hes not hurting me physically or anything so dont get any ideas in your head...its just that, when i dont see him i miss him...and when i do...which seems to be less and less as the days go by...i hate it when it comes to an end...its upsetting when u look at the time, its just flying..drives me absolutely insane...then its like...theres so much to say...yet u dont say it..in fear of not having enough time...just like my whole missing thing...i can say i get so used to it that it doesnt hurt...that im used to it cause i dont see him...in another way, it kills me..slowly everyday...then theres me...just worry way too easily...really gets to me at times...then i feel like so many people have to be strong for me; cause if i knew the truth, i probably cant handle it....this is what i have been dealing with...with tests, assgns, etc...and roomie...but im starting to get used to it...its actually better having the whole room to myself...just that i feel i wasnt warned and just agreed and didnt know what i was getting myself into...i dont miss home...and i hate that i feel that way...so many people miss it like crazy yet i dont even have a hint of it...then i realized that i barely share all my thoughts with anyone...i mean, i have close friends, i tell them stuff...yet they dont hear about stuff when im falling apart....the bf does...sometimes i feel like im too hard...things arent that hard, yet i make it seem that way...i dont say things cause i dont want anyone to get hurt...i say stuff cause i want to hurt people just cause they hurt me...how awful is that?
had to get all that out of the way...thought id try letting people know how i feel...just those time...where u feel like everything is falling apart and its just too much to bear...but when you look back on it, u wonder why u even felt that way to begin with...ive been having so much fun...i mean i have a real free schedule...and i feel bad...cause i finally feel like i can handle it...i feel in control...ah well, next semester i guess...so ive been trying new things...overall, life is going well...im loving and being loved back...i wish i appreciated it a whole lot more...like how i used to...cause they all do love me..sincerely, its about time i believe and really cherish it...life is way too short...so sometimes its better that they know how u feel, cause you'll never know if its too late...and what tomorrow has in store for you...and btw, everyone is having tests and stuff now...so for all those who are, good luck...i had one this week, having one next week..and mid terms the following...just great..so now for some adjustments to my assgn, then my weekend has offically begun =)
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