hols :)

today is officially the first day of break for me...i have 2 months...i mean, i should be excited n all but i dont feel it just yet...its just the fact that frens arent done yet...but ah well..soon enough...i feel like crap at this moment....what happened last night...yet again, i messed up....i can like remember how many times ive done it already...3 times in 3 weeks...just been feeling so off...n i dont think i should take it out on any1...but sumtimes its just so out of control and i really cant help it..so ive been thinking abt it alot...fear just makes me not be able to do alot of stuff....i just tend to overthink it...consequences...n ive realized im just so undetermined...decide this first, then turn around....honestly, i was just so tired...had like abt 4hrs of sleep...but once it all happend...i couldnt even fall asleep...i lay there...thnking abt it all...the whole feeling like u arent good enough...just the whole guilt trip....i guess its ok to want changes, but maybe it starts with appreciating what is already there....i really dont know...im feeling like all sorts of emotions...mixed feelings that even i cant express....im gonna try....i just wish that i could be a better person...and not let fear get the best of me....

un-trustworthiness

this happened for a long time already...it has nothing to do with me...but a friend of mine...she asked me if :-

*its possible for your heart to be with two people at the same time?

*isnt love supposed to be so pure that noone gets hurt?
(in my opinion, it does hurt)

*how can people be so selfless? being the third wheel in a relationship while being perfectly aware of the situation?

*what is love, natesa? what is love
(in her exact words)

i just felt so bad...coz she cant do anything abt it..maybe its just how its supposed to be, but doesnt that sound so wrong? its just really hard to be there and not being able to do anything i guess...and then the whole hes cheated once and said hes changed, yet it happend again...idk, some people just never learn...

what is love?

im just a thinker...and i cant help it...so i ponder upon things constantly...even without having to...you may be wondering, wht exactly am i going on abt?....i shall fill u in on that...its just the whole 'feeling like u know alot'...but not actually knowing it...i dont know....i guess deep down u do...just the fact that u have to share those opinions and u wonder what others will think abt it...and as usual, ive been questioning so many things...i miss the old me...alot...im trying to get that back...which makes me wonder, if i want something else does it mean that im not happy with what i have? the answer is : no...just that i wana be a whole lot more...and as grateful as i am...im not gna b alone...bf =)...n dont worry...not gna get all lovey dovey...but honestly, this is so different from previous relationships...we are more comfortable with each other i guess...and the previous bf's didnt make me open up and stuff...so maybe thats why im stuck at times....but im working on it...ok so enough on that...why im here...LOVE....strong word...

definition of love ( the way i would put it ) : the strongest emotion that can be felt..could be the best and worst feeling...can make u the strongest and yet make a turn and turn u into the most vulnerable...is something that we all strive for...everyone wants to experience 'true love'...or something close to it...just the feeling of being loved and understood places u above any other...

true love: do i believe in it? honestly, nope...its funny...being the whole romantic at heart...i dont believe in the whole love at first sight...its more of how u make urself feel...if u think its love at first sight...then thats what it will be...true love on the other hand...people feel like they can find that...but maybe its that ordinary relationship...that u work on...and becomes unbreakable..that bond...maybe thats true love...not the whole 'true love- i just know its right...by the feeling i get when im with that person'...isnt that attraction?

i guess im more into the whole first friends, then lovers concept...makes more sense i guess...know stuff abt the person first....and in this case, i guess u will still have that friendship if stuff doesnt work out coz u were friends from the start...take for granted that ur going out with this person..and stuff doesnt work out...u were never friends...do u think u'd have a close shot at frenship...if its a mutual thing, maybe....or if u are lucky and it does work...it will take alot of time i guess....

aspects: => attraction : the feeling of wanting to be with someone...
=> affection: it is identified with emotion...but both are two very different things...affection is more to actions...ways of showing your love and care for a person...
=>emotion: complex experiences...we express them through terms, gestures and attitudes..

having said this...love comes in all different forms...it could be love for your family, friends, other half, pets...or passion for a certain thing...but i guess altogether...it sums up that 4 letter word...its just all these little things that give the word meaning...and ive never thought abt things that way...but everyones perception of love is different...some people may go on and on...trying to search for a 'soul mate' or 'the one'....but others find it right away...so maybe its more of how u make it...how eventually u get so attached that u know u couldnt be happy with anyone else...and then u devote urself to just that one person...i thought about that...how will u know when that person is the one? are there hints...or do u just know? maybe its the whole combination of attachment, care, intimacy, bonds, etc...or maybe its just ur choice...i mean obvs it is...but maybe its what u make of it....

i keep hearing this song 'if i were a boy'....she talks about how if she were a guy, she'd be a better man...i mean...obviously u'd know how u'd want to be treated, but u cant expect them to read ur mind..no1 can..so maybe its more of that level of understanding...once u share how u feel and how u want to be treated, then maybe it would work out much better...i mean, we each want something we think we'd never get from our other half...and they too would want things from us girls...so its all fair...and maybe its vulnerability altogether...love makes u vulnerable...its so true...u tend to stoop...and u go so low...just to get that feeling...but is it worth putting urself so far down...getting stepped on...just for the sake of that one emotion? obvs not...but it just happens like that...u go blind...and trust so easily....just coz u wanna love and be loved in return...just goes to show how powerful it is...other people are just too fragile...break too easily...what happened to 'there are many fish in the sea'? i guess u just tend to feel so bad if it doesnt work out...rejection is a painful process and it takes time...all the avoidance that comes together with it...* at times like these, i guess all we can do is have faith and remain strong...and comfort food :)...but at the same time, u should be grateful...grateful that u had that chance to love and be loved...and the memories are what will stick with u...

so i guess overall, it varies from person to person...everyone will have different opinions and outlooks on love...so maybe we will never know the true meaning...then it would make us all very wrong...no doubt we have all felt it...doesnt matter from who or what...but we've all felt love..and maybe its a religious kinda thing...that faith u have...its more of what u devote urself to...but yeah...but im sure it has to do with emotions and appearances...we all deny the fact..and many say 'its whats on the inside that matters'....but this is rarely to be found true...but some people do do it...seeing every person as unique and stuff...and more to the sincerity....others care more abt emotions , etc...

'power of love'....just goes to show how strong it really is..and how everyone thrives for it...so yeah, maybe u'll eventually feel it...and know when its the right person...i dont know if i can call it soul searching...lets just stick to the word...L.O.V.E

finals...over! woohoo! :)

so im done...done with finals...this didnt exactly kick in as fast as i thought it would be...i was still in 'exam mode'...i thought i was the only one who felt like that...i mean after finals, one should just kick out of it..in one instant...but idk...maybe its the fact that this time around im the one who is done quite early while other people are still having papers..ah well...chic lit and movie marathons here i come! so this means, a 2 month break! i mean im happy n all....just thinking abt how im gna divide my time...and stuff that i have to do...which means that i'll be more relaxed...ahh...i wanna go to the beach..i shall..=)...soon enough...so for all of those who are still having exams, all the best! and to those who are done (like me)...happy hols...see all of u in 09'

deepavali 08

so this year my dads side of the family decided not to have the whole 'open house'....and instead go on a trip...they decided on melaka...from sunday till tuesday...i have finals this thursday...i only joined them on monday...overall it was fun...waterpark...experiences weird stuff, see weird people...be a 12 year old again...playing at the playground...somethings u'll never believe u'd do...then swimming...all the slides....we went up the family raft like 10 times....the walk up was longgggg....just the thrill u get from it....i cut my leg...while walking barefoot...stepped on this branch thing...this always happens...at the waterparks...so yeah...then we had dinner...and went to cowboy town...the place looks unbelievable...concept-themepark...well kinda...went for a 4D show...at times u really do feel like things are coming at you...it was funny coz i was with a cousin and my brother...my cousin was terrified...coz the seats go up and down....sideways and stuff...brother was trying to touch the things that were coming at him! then there are times that air gets blown at ur face...and u get sprayed by water! ...for real....then we watched this cowboy show...red indians...guys spitting flames...i think thats a major turn on...haha..u can feel the heat...seriously...then there was a parade...dances and stuff...guys dressed like girls...i found that quite disturbing though....in the end, fireworks...that made my night truly magical...was smiling...the end effect was spectacular...the house we stayed in was nice...whole family under one roof...i admit, it isnt always the best of ideas...and we dont always end up in nice places...but with the family...u just tend to have fun...either way....then just tv...hung around..cards...wine...n i was studying...timing just horrible! i had a hard time falling asleep...eventhough i was living on 4 hrs of sleep...coz we shared a room with dad and mom...dad was snoring so loudly...kept getting up at night....woke up to yummy breakfast...packed all my things...then we went to this ranch...they rode on horses and stuff...brother and i..go-karting...it was fun...went so fast....wind in the hair effects...we've planned a trip for new years...cant wait! hope its a beach :)

so much love with so little in return?

this has nothing to do with me...it was someones pm on msn...just made me think...in certain cases it is like that...u may give all the love u have only to realize u get a little in return....and u keep wondering why u arent loved back the same way...but is it really necessary??? why cant that little amount be enough? isnt it better for someone to feel something for you rather than nothing? i guess sometimes we just want it all...who wouldnt want it all? but at the same time..be gracious....grateful for everything u already have...of course its ok to want more...but just be satisfied with what u have for now...some people may not even have that.. and yeah, some people may have alot more...work for it or u'll eventually get there....but in a way...u'll realize u have everything once u appreciate every single thing u have...even the littlest ones...be thankful that ur living...and never miss opportunities....fear shouldnt get in the way...and try not to give up as easily...and accept the fact that things happen for a reason...there might be something better ahead...so keep moving forward.

finals!!!

finals in 4 days...just great...im really stressed...hoping to give it my all..i mean i had xcuses the 1st time...not anymore....urghhh...and deepavali is before it...my dads side celebrates..so i feel like i hav to please them all...ive changed my plans quite a few times...and ive been rather distracted...idk why...just weird....and ive been encountering weird things..some may know what im going on abt but yeah...maybe its the whole exams getting to me thing...history..is making me bored...so idk...i need all the luck i can get!

losing my patience and the biggest changes in my life

everyone has been testing my patience..well not everyone...alot of ppl...promising then breaking promises...i mean if u dont wanna, just say so...dont promise just coz u think ill b upset...then theres the whole next sem thing...loads of changes...shifting blocks...i was just out with a fren...n i told her...she was shocked...which makes me wonder...how much of i princess was i? until ppl doubt that i can rough it out..even abit? then theres the fact that 2morros the last day of classes...and im getting super emo...its weird when each sem u say bye to people coz its their last sem here....its sad...n ppl ill never see again...n ppl who have a long sem...will b here...but i wont...:(...i mean, i admit inti isnt everything..but we r still surviving...the whacky things we do...just keeps us going...n keeps us coming back..until we get seriously bored that is...so my fren and i...just felt nice to have quality girl time...just hang out...i miss all that...my best frens always move away...literally...not drifting apart...but like moving around the globe...it just kills me...but we all move on...so its fine :)....its just odd...the fact that i was the one planing to go away sooner...but everyone else is instead....funny how life plays it out...so yeah, my fren and i...sitting on the stairs...drinking coke, having chocs...yummy ;)...people might have thot we were drinking but ah well..laughing at the crazy things the couples were doing...and she sprayed this really stinky perfume on me...at a shop...still smells...ahhhhh....so yeah...i think thats all i have...ive had a pretty weird day...but thats for me to know...ill relate it to other stuff next time...til then...gonna entertain my frens online and text...this multi tasking stuff is sorta driving me nuts already! nite...:)

deep in thought

ok well...not really...but im always thinking abt something...been sick these past few days...sore eyes...every1 was pretty much avoiding me...i mean, they wouldnt wanna catch it..so dont blame them...just been feeling so neglected..and as usual...emotional breakdown last night...everything just seemed soooo wrong...so my eyes better...just tht the lenses r bugging me...so im half blind...will be for awhile...was planning to go for halloween night....now my fren backed down on her promises....so idk if im going or not...i know im getting rather emo...coz the seem is ending...i miss home...very much...just that when im home...i wont wanna be there...so its just like that..ill never be satisfied....maybe i should try being satisfied and then i will be...deep down i wished that people cared more....ahhh and the paranoia...i think the whole being only in the room thing kinda bugs me...plus the fact that ppl in the block itself are quite antisocial...the only ppl i know are my neighbours and a friend...so yea, u get the picture...i still feel like something is missing...i thought i didnt give myself time to think...i did... n it still feels like this...i wanna feel whole....

halloween night

halloween night is tomorrow...still wondering if i should go or not...trying to get opinions on how the last one was...we went to the 4th of july thing and that was a let down...so idk....considering it...i wanna see the whacky costumes (if there are any)...something to make fun of....hmmm..i thnk i have an evil mind...making fun of ppl? ;)...too bad i didnt have time to get a costume....ive been trying to go home...but still havent....so havent exactly been places to get things..ah well...i doubt many will come in costumes...so i dont really mind...but would have been interesting...i shall update once i decide...:)

being sick of it all...

honestly, i had an ok weekend...i mean, i wanted to go home...didnt...but my parents came up here to see me...so quality time....it was all good....problem is...on saturday itself my eye was slightly red...so i thought it was nothing...and i asked my mom if she noticed anythin...she said no...so then i figured it wasnt that bad...then yesterday its red and gets redder...and in the end started to hurt...so yeah i have sore eyes...:(....had to miss class...its the last week...i was actually looking 4ward to it all..and im hoping im ok by wednesday...halloween night! people told me to just go as a pirate...eye patch! ha...this makes me feel so heaty...the tempt is lowered but i still feel sooooo warm....i hope it gets better-SOON!!!!

odd weekends

no water at home...still no water...was planning on going home for a day...so much for that plan...mum calls me at 8am...who calls at 8am on a saturday? so well, she tells me that shes coming here to stay...or well...staying at a hotel...dads gonna go for meetings, mum is gonna hangout here...should be nice...ill get to eat something besides on campus food....she asks me to reload my brothers phone..then says to do hers as well...a cat was following me....was so annoying...i was praying it stopped following..n it kept coming...i think i was talking to it...coz people were looking at me...i figure right this moment...i seem like the most ridiculous person...so glad that most people wouldnt even care...weird days....i walk everywhere and as usual...INTI is dead on the weekends....ive never realized this...until last week...i mean obvs i know everyone goes home so theres barely any people here...but i only realized that the shops and stuff arent open only when i started to need stuff during the weekend....caf is closed apparently...was empty besides the couple hugging there....back to the cat...never realized i was that freaked out by them...i mean i always thought there was something odd abt them...i think i mainly cant stand their eyes...just something abt it...and the purring..and fur balls...yuck...ok im freaking myself out...its just a cat...i cant believe i could go on and on abt a cat...i guess i shall stop here...mum should be arriving soon...im so hungry...all im thinking abt is food!

making or breaking?

this post might mess u up...slightly...it did that 2 me...riding in a police car? enough said...and no i didnt do anythin bad...but yeah...sure seems like it...part of me is embaressed...im sure i'll be known as the girl who came back in the police car...and the other part is sorry...i feel bad for him...these are the times when u go...what if we werent? then this wouldnt have happened rite? i guess not...u cant look at stuff that way...coz if u do, its bound to have a longer lasting effect than u think...u will always feel like the world is after u..and that bad things are gonna keep on happening....things happen...at their own pace...ive learned that...u can hope and maybe even pray...but doesnt mean u get what u want...then theres love....i always relate stuff to it...whats the big deal...?? today i felt it...more than anything....i think that was the last piece of the puzzle...i knew he loved me....this was just something else....love + something....a feeling that not many can feel....so u may wonder...what on earth does the title have to do with this post? it means that certain things can either make or break the situation....u either love a little less...or much more...im still in a state of shock...it soooo feels like school days...but i guess we need stuff like this....so that people will learn from our mistakes...but nah....its not even that big a deal....just that im sooooo shocked....i was laying on the bed for awhle...thinking abt it....then realized...i can think abt it..but really..whats the point? maybe its these things that build u up...and make u that different person....its odd...but at this moment....i feel that my life is much more than COMPLETE....i have everything i want and need.....and MORE....

alone

hmm...everyones heading home for the weekend...so y aint i doin the same thing? i planned to go home this weekend...i didnt last week...call my mom...n shes like...oh there is some piping problem...we wont have water for a few days...just great...so im stuck here...yet again...i mean...why should i be upset? why should i not be? my frens are all going back...no1 2 hang out with....guess i shall just keep myself occupied with god knows what...im glad im done with the test though...whch means i can relax and study of course...i wanted to go to the beach....i really did.....sand....waves...hmmm....paradise :)....im a huge fan of beaches...u may have noticed that by now...i was super happy 2day...im rooming with a close friend of mine next semester...its gonna be awesome...whch reminds me...bday gift...not mine...but yeah....just great...stuck here n dunno where 2 get the gift from....so i shall think abt that....think abt subjects and just life in general...jan09 is gonna b great....i can already feel it! probably gonna earn some money during the break.....and then theres....the 18th! fabulosity ;)....many friends are trying to get me to drink...i wonder why.. those who have been following the blog have read abt my embaressing alcohol-associated stories....goes to show that im soooo not a drinker...besides the point...back to the complaining...the weekend...alone...my fren was thoughful though,...20 in 1...dvd...sure to keep me occupied....im soooo tired....just walked all the way from my block to the caf and then to R...how do ppl do that every single day? and in heels? i saw someone do that...so had to mention..my feet would practically throb...besides the point....i guess it doesnt really matter what i go on and on abt....coz u'll be getting alot of this during the weekend...if im still stuck here...i wana go home!!!!! :(

tests...

yet another one tomorrow...i got so annoyed..i studied and she comes and is like...how about all MCQ? who wouldnt be annoyed? but it still goes to good use...finals...different systems...neways...gonna get showered, do the online questions...the assgn and then rest...tiring days...as the semester is ending...i feel more tired...how odd is that...i miss home..dont know if i should go home this week...if i go back, i wont study...thats the only bad thing abt that idea....quite undecided....have to cut this short...shall entertain with topics once im done with the test! wish me luck ;)

fears

every1 has them right? so wats the big deal? i feel im more afraid than anythin right now...my long list of fears....maybe its better left unsaid...some things are...some people have general phobias...like the fear of being in small spaces...fear of spiders...fear of commitment....even the most ridiculous stuff....like-the fear of bathing...!!!!...insane rite? tell me abt it...maybe im just weak...cant handle much...n am just plain afraid...i wanna know me...like real badly...u may wonder...what the hell does that mean? afterall i am me...i just dont wanna be scared and just go for what i want...speak my mind...n not worry abt what others are gonna think abt that...loosen up...

having love and being in love....

so u may wonder..what is the difference? they are both forms of love....but no...maybe it does make a difference...having love means that u feel for the person but u arent deeply in love...being in love is just that...being in love...could u live with someone who has love for you? or does it just make u confused...??...answer is...either way its ok...if someone has love for u and ur ok with it, its good enough...people may say they have fallen in love with u...maybe its like the best feeling...but did u ever wonder what makes them love u? is it more physical stuff rather than emotions...??...so then...is it worthwhile if someone is in love with u just coz of looks or money? so maybe its ok if they have love but arent in love...if it makes u happy and makes ur world a better place: then u have the answer....

dead situations on sundays

u know how u can feel like coll may be so boring and utterly useless on the weekdays...try the weekends...how can it be possible for a coll to be dead on the weekends..?? maybe coz theres absolutely nothing to do...that people find no comfort except in going home...so yes, the place is quite deserted...im trying to wake ppl up to go out with me...no luck so far...n the rest of them are at home and wil only be back later...guess what im doing in the meantime? click five and chatting...to a younger male cousin abt swimsuits...haha...quite insane....just that bored that i would do anything...whch reminds me...im quite hungry already...so sick of coll food and no good food at al this week seeing as how i didnt go home...so just have to bear with it....n study history...ahhhh....test is on friday..i just find it quite impossible...coz the process is so long...n i have to study 5 chapters...but we only have 20 MCQ and 1 essay...so yea...makes u feel like...all that just for this...kinda odd....believe me...ive been thinking abt loads recently...my achieved happiness....my fears...the things i hav done in the past...not holding on...just that bored...believe me...n how there are so many people i have never gotten to know that well and they are already gone...n also how i over-think...i dont have to think abt it but i just do...n the boredom is making me do it more frequently...so yeah...wonderful sundays...gosh (full of sarcasm)

faith and believing...

faith?? ive been questioning so many things lately...just so unsure...like how do u believe when u have no proof? im not gna directly hint this out coz many ppl may nt like it and may not agree with my opinion...a lecturer of mine pointed this out...she said that students nowadays dont blieve in heaven and earth...we believe in heaven ON earth...how true is this? maybe it is more obvious than it was before...many ppl are raised up and these things are just instilled in them and they hav no opinion or no say abt it watsoever....maybe its better if u believe on ur own...but what do u do if its already like that? this really confuses me...been thinking abt it way too much...if u hav any opinions on faith and beliefs...leave a comment...=)

the weekends...

im kinda enjoying it...and why? coz im having fun lazing...no schedule...no1 bugging me 2 do this and that...i had an interesting convo with the family earlier...they all miss me...;)...haha...thats what i like to think...so yeah...a fren who said we'd hang out left me and went to PD...=)...ya well...cant blame her...i love beaches...u know how ironic certain things can get? hmmm....nvm....i woke up this morning...was lazy 2 get out of bed as usual...how many days a week can i just lay there and not be late for something? two i guess....n tuesday...was just thinking...and somehow tears were flowing...i dont know...not like i was sad....maybe it was tears of joy..never actually experienced that...god knows...always been so emo...i mean i cry for movies...occasionally...but honestly it takes alot for me to breakdown...i usually just bear with stuff and am ok with it all....=)...i think i should start studying history...5 chapters...duno how long thats gonna take...just an almighty long process if u wanna cover everything...so good luck to me...test is on friday...just that i feel i dont study as well on weekdays...what with other stuff goin on..and the fact that i get distracted and stuff.....so yeah, to be on the safe side....;)

if i were a boy

no this is not sum dumb thing...or abt me wishing i was a guy...coz honestly ive never wished for that...just that i heard this song...havent heard much from beyonce lately and this is her most recent single...remember how ciara had a one titled 'like a boy'....its talking abt the same stuff...obvious from the title i know...but just talks about how if she were 'the' guy...she would treat her woman better...care and know how certain things feel like...have a look for yourself...

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
and go Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy I think that I’d understand how it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her cause I know how it hurts when you loose the one you wanted cause he’s taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed! If I were a boy I would turn off my phone Tell everyone that its broken so they think that I was sleeping alone I’d put myself first and make the rules as I go cause I know that she’ll be faithful waiting for me to come home ( to come home) If I were a boy I think that I could understand how it feels to love a girl I swear I’d be a better man I’d listen to her Cause I know how it hurts when you loose the one you wanted cause he’s taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed! It’s a little too late for you to come back Say its just a mistake Think I forgive you like that If you thought I would wait for you You thought wrong But your just a boy You don’t understand (and you don’t understand) How it feels to love a girl Someday you’ll wish you were a better man You don’t listen to her You don’t care how it hurts Until you lose the one you wanted Cause you taken her for granted And everything that you had got destroyed But your just a boy…

womanizer

britney is in for a comeback...im sure of that..and everyone seems to think so too...n no its not cause im a fan or anything...i admit she made some bad choices and was a mess...maybe its all coming together now...its kinda obvious who this song is directed to..so yea...the lyrics of the song...i found certain parts kinda interesting...(:

SuperstarWhere you from, how's it going?I know youGotta clue, what you're doing?You can play brand new to all the other chicks out hereBut I know what you are, what you are, babyLook at youGettin' more than just a re-upBaby, youGot all the puppets with their strings upFakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'emI know what you are, what you are, babyWomanizer(You, you)Boy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You got me goingYou're oh so charmingBut I can't do itYou WomanizerBoy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You say I'm crazyI got your crazyYour nothing but aWomanizerDaddy-OYou got the swagger of championsToo bad for youJust can't find the right companionI guess when you have one too many, makes it hardIt could be easy, who you are, that's just who you are babyLollipopMust mistake me as a suckerTo think that IWould be a victim not anotherSay it, play it how you wannaBut no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, babyWomanizer(You, you)Boy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You got me goingYou're oh so charmingBut I can't do itYou WomanizerBoy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You say I'm crazyI got your crazyYour nothing but aWomanizerMaybe if we both lived in a different worldIt would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girlBut I can't 'cause we don'tWomanizer(You, you)Boy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You got me goingYou're oh so charmingBut I can't do itYou WomanizerBoy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)You say I'm crazyI got your crazyYour nothing but aWomanizerBoy, don't try to frontI know just what you are (x2)Womanizer (oh)

debates~

so yeah..those who are my classmates are quite aware of this...debate fridays...today it wasnt just one...but two...so the whole two hours of being a spectator (:.....the first debate was really interesting but the second one failed to be compared...was real boring...its kinda weird...coz when this one guy got up to speak i swear the first thing that crossed my mind was "he sounds really gay"...so then i ask my friend next to me...n shes like...yeah agreed...;)...then on the other side there was this guy who thought he was being funny by directly pointing his sarcasm to his opponents...but we were laughing cause he was just that-ridiculous....then there were some who were lost in their points n stuff but wateva...its already done...next week is the last topic...and test 2...gosh...):....then there was this girl who sounded quite weird...smiling like mad...gee...repeating point after point was quite odd...then those who dont look their age..im not going there...haha...i didnt care for the second one mainly bcoz i couldnt understand what half of them were saying...n we realized they just kept repeating stuff and had no supporting points...half the time we were like 'uh...what did he say? what did she say? '...haha...weird..n its like u dont wanna be mean but isnt it kinda a fact if everyone notices the exact same thing...??...fridays...not going home this weekend..so shall see what i can get myself into while being here...;)...have a good weekend~

feeling lucky

haha...im pretty sure u had a different thought than what should be felt...im not meaning anythin big...lucky in the sense that ive been winning stuff...all the money spent on mags...comes to a good use =)

this is what i won...the first time i saw the advert. i thought...wow...i would love to own that...plus blue is my fav color...the bottle design is spectacular....so i tried my luck...wrote a slogan...n won it! =)

if u are unaware its jennifer lopez's deseo forever...this just helped me save RM265 ;)

a 4th jonas brother?

ok ok...i know ive already written something on the jonas brothers...i heard this awhle back n ws kinda suprised...theres a 4th jonas brother...hes nt in the group or anythin but yea...just thought how weird that would be...u think jonas brothers, u think slightly gay..or 4 sum people alot...people like my brother...bsides the point...teenage girls ( and some boys)...go gaga over them...dont ask me why...i like some of the songs only coz they are catchy...in some cases the high pitch range that they can reach can bug u...they are guys..u would never imagine a guy to be able to do that....then its their look...my cousin said they all look gay except nick...hello??...n nobody barely notices kevin yet they classify him as seeming gay as well...now how odd is that? they arent good looking...in my opinion of course...but theres just something abt the look....like joe jonas...theres something abt him...a certain awkwardness that keeps u looking...or well it kept me looking...;)

coming to the realization of things

ive been quite emo lately...or well for quite some time..not random mood swings or anything..just been worrying way too much...when there was nothing much to worry abt to begin with...maybe sometimes u just let things be...let go, things happen 4 a reason...n i guess its pretty much impossible to try and stop sumthin that is meant to happen all along...this is quite weird...hints as to when ur biological clock is messed up? when u sleep so little ( and deep down u love to sleep and require a huge amount of it...shhh!!! )....and u sleep at almost 1...and suddenly wake up at 3 smthn...i normally dont even get up for phone calls or msgs if im deep in sleep..but today i was already awake...so a fren texted...it was like...im normally cranky abt phone calls n stuff late in the night...or well technically morning...but i replied....n then it wasnt a dream...not one of those i dreamt abt something but have no idea what it was...but just random thoughts...i think thats what woke me up...i realized so many things...ive been searching for answers...answers as to my happiness thing n all that...n i thnk i hav all of them now...it feels good...honestly...then theres the whole im always hungry...no nothing happen...not preggers or anythin...just idk...n it happens like late at night...what is that abt??? so yeah, weird stuff...and ive been having fun teasing certain people with BIG words...hahahha...sorta mean but yeah...need some kind of entertainment....so yes...back to the point...questions have answers...my questions i mean...let go of the past...thriving for the future! =)...i hav class at 8am...n with the 3 hrs of sleep i had, the cup of coffee ( i seriously dont know how far thats gonna get me)....so wish me luck...i might sleep off...ive never slept off in class...almost but not jst there yet...so yeah...trying to stay awake...maybe i should get myself all hyper or smthn...hahahha....

inner peace

maybe ive reached that already...i talked about my problems...i admitted i wasnt happy...but why am i not happy? i have absolutely nothing 2 be sad abt...n then i was considering what could make me happy...n theres nothing that came to mind....but i say i feel empty...if i cant think of something thats missing then it means nothing is? idk...but im starting to feel so...maybe i just think i have something to be sad abt...at one point i was so happy...after exams n all that..maybe i had more time to care abt myself...but well...at that point i was certain n knew what i really really wanted...i thrived...so maybe stuff didnt turn out as xpected...but every1 has second chances...which made me wonder...is it worth it worrying abt things that shouldnt even be worried abt in the first place? i guess not...its just a waste of time and energy and u get urself more jumpy than u are...haha...so yes...maybe its clear now....n people can have everythin in the world n feel that something is missing...even the littlest thing can have the biggest effects on peoples lives....maybe im worried abt my family...that stuff doesnt go well...but no1's perfect afterall....so maybe u just look past all that n TRY to make things better...afterall they are still a part of ur life...then other things that bring happiness....singing? other things? love? whch made me wonder...till what extent would i go to be loved...i may be a sick romantic but i dont give in that easily...i dont trust..n when i let go...things dont exactly go well...maybe i let go too much....n am blinded by certain things...im thinking i understand stuff a whole lot better now..afterall...the past experiences and everything else still defines u...maybe it was once part of ur life..but u dont need to keep holding on to the past...let go..n strive forward....strive for the future...make it a better one

relatives...distant and near

seems like everyones related...or thats happening to me...first in school...ok they may be my second cousins but was so weird....the guy who was the same age as me was somehow afraid of me idk..was so weird...n i used to tease him abt it...but eventually he spoke up...then all of a sudden a classmate of mine spreads rumors...saying that im her cousin..so i was like ok...maybe its possible..asked my dad...he said nope..so weird incident #2...then when i get to college...my dad suddenly tells me...hey didnt u know that ur cousin is at the same coll? it was weird as usual...hearing that...but i just asked who...he was trying to explain...but of course i had no idea..one day they come to visit...then my gpa calls me, asks if i know this gurl...i say no...so thats the one...n till now i cant recognize her...this is what happens when relatives get married...makes the family tree so complex...u might not even know who u are related to...then al of a sudden u find out...so never be too suprised i guess...quite predictable...i just find this amusing...why would someone marry their relatives? they are practically family...even if u dont know them theres stil a tie rite? then theres the whole arranged marriage thing...i dont buy that...at all...i feel that its so odd to marry someone u dont know...how do people do that? i could comment more...but it may be quite insulting...;)....haha

sick days

yes ive noticed that recently the titles have been associated to the word 'sick' or 'day'...haha...sorry...just kinda the current mood and too lazy to actually think of stuff! i admitted it, laziness! been sick...fevering n stuff...it really sucks...one minute im freezing cold the next im burning hot...n have like alot on my mind...choices have to be made...hostel arrangements...i hav someone to room with me....but means i hav to change blocks...at first i thought i was ok with that..then realized i may regret the choice so idk...no idea wat i should do...2morro is the last day if i wanna book the same room so yeah...makes things a whole lot more stressful...gonna head out soon...maybe need some fresh air?

sick romantic

me...thats what i am..in love with love..kinda funy dont u think...yet i think its so true...2008 song that describes me...leona lewis-bleeding love...amazing rite? took this quiz thing n thats what i got..which makes u go...just how predictable am i? i had an interesting day but am real sick right now...fevering....just great...class at 8am 2morro...=(...so gotta hit the bed soon...dizzy!!! is it a big deal? if ur that obvious to certain people...idk...all i know is...i want or better said...i NEED some excitement...;)...sunday nights...neways...back to love...when its right its amazing...heard this quote on 'my sassy girl'...that is like a real good romantic comedy..something abt i dont deserve u..and how destiny is what brings two people together...i didnt tear for that movie...PS i love u...i did....a bit...coz it was sad...how vulnerable she was when she lost her husband....but i realized that...the key to pulling urself up...is...believing...believing that it happened for a reason and there may be something better in store..so turn that frown upside down! chin up..=)

bad day

well it started out ok..i slept at 2am...got up at 6...my mom turned my room light on at 6 which got on my nerves...had my cousins confirmation...the sermon n overall went well...then the brunch...food was spicy but i managed...ate watever wasnt..haha...so then i got back at college at 1...cleaned the room....unpacked...came online 4 awhle...then slept...1 hr...dad called...tried 2 go back to sleep, started pouring...i have like this severe headache..head is literally spinning! typing is out...i keep typing the wrong words..n this agitates me as well..back to coll..ok im already AT coll..so back to classes...my monday 8 am...suckish food..but what choice do i have? so then i thought maybe i was hungry, but i didnt feel it...but just ate something...that hasnt helped...still feel dizzy...gosh...dunno wat else 2 do...i doubt i need fresh air...was out half the day...=(...pain is just too much...so 2day i received some compliments...ahha...things i didnt xpect but yeah...then there was so much pregnancy talk...a fear...not gona get in to that...things sorta change after a whle..thinking in that manner...i miss my bed!! haha...im sure coming up with loads of random thoughts...i had a nice week with the queen sized bed, now back to a single...maybe thats y i couldnt sleep! doubt it tho...i seem to have this problem relaxing here...i cant just sleep and not wake up in between...so then i come online...n i get paranoid...feel like somethings abt me but idk...i just shouldnt worry..as it is im dizzy..making situations a whole lot worse...so basically im back at college..i have abt 3 weeks left till finals...then theres the deepavali break...going on a trip to malacca....the whole family..and when i mean whole family, it includes aunt, uncle, cousins, gparents, etc...this is gonna b fun...humiliating people..and putting them in awkward positions...then its the long break...2 months...my 18th...probably gonna get a job..i dont seem 2 b getting everything i want..so maybe time to earn it...plus...id b dead bored as usual..barely anythin to do...bsides bothering frens, beach, swimming n stuff like that...ok...i would like to write more and better yet elaborate on a topic but my head is killing me!!!

thinkers and do-ers

i think i spotted an article on just this before...like how thinkers and doers attract each other, etc...thinkers are like me...think all the time n worry for no apparent reason...u can not worry but u just tend 2 without the realization of doing it! do-ers are those who do stuff...get caught up in the moment...they tend to feel that actions speak louder than words...so yeah....but in this case, they might not care as much as they should...so that may be where the problem lies...as usual, im still the sick romantic that i am deep down..listening to the sex and the city soundtrack...its awesome...like every other word is LOVE...just the way i like it...;)...is it ok to be this obsessed with love? i seriously have no idea...then today this just popped into mind...would i really let a guy make me that vulnerable again? i mean, truthfully i was never one to really care abt all that...if it didnt work, it didnt work...but recent experiences hav proved otherwise...fell so hard...took awhile to pick myself up...but i did...so its ok....then i was wondering as to why it took so much longer...n i got the answer...(flashing lightbulb)...haha...so ok...i know what the reason is...of all the guys...i have reasons to forget them...n this helps me get over them much faster...for example...the guy could have been a jerk, cheated or done something that made me care less...and even if it didnt work out and the guy dumped me, or if it was mutual...i was mad at him...4 watever reason it was...n this time...i may have been upset...but i didnt get mad...was stil holding on to watever hope i still had...but yeah, if its not meant to be, then its just that...not meant to be...so i was watching alot of tv today...one of the shows were breaking up with shannen doherty...sure u have heard of it..so its like u hav probs breaking up with someone...and she helps u out..so it came to a point where this girl was confused abt her sexuality...she thought she liked girls...so shannen slowly hinted this to the guy...he was cool abt it all...he let go...he was with her whenever she needed him...and after a few weeks...she realized she was in love with this guy...and nothing would make her happier..so she wanted him back....n he took her back with an open heart...goes to show that u can be confused abt many things...in the end, u'l get an answer if u try looking for it...whch made me think of the stuff im confused of...faith...believing in certain things....dont know if im good enough in certain cases ( common )...then theres choices...wondering what choices to make n wondering of the choices u HAVE made are the best...whch reminds me...i thought one week would go by pretty slowly..with my lack of hol plans..loads of drama with frens...home...but it flew by...did some interesting things...experienced some interesting things....n its fridays...the weekend...then back to college...mug for finals...OMG...back to reading textbooks...ive been reading alot of external material...books, mags....=)

self advertising

it seems like everyone does it nowadays..so maybe if u didnt blieve this before, u probably do now...sex sells...without a doubt...sum ppl feel like they have to show skin in order to be sexy...but thats so wrong...showing TOO much can appear as slutty...so how do u explain that then? its more of how u feel...u can be all covered but feel sexy...and posted gazillion pics of urself may make u feel beautiful...but does it really? does it matter how people see you? they can feel ur perfect; but are u happy? thts the tricky part...every1 can say good stuff but u may still feel like crap deep down...so its more of an inner peace thing...body peace...how u make urself feel, how u feel; before taking into consideration of what others think...so its ok to have pictures, to keep family updated, but if its for other purposes then maybe u should think abt it...ahhh which reminds me..

self-image
is it important to be stick thin? does it appear as more beautiful? media gets younger girls these days to feel that it is so...but in the process they starve, diet, exercise...over exert their bodies and end up getting sick in the process...so maybe its ok if u arent what people would consider as the perfect size (0)....but once ur comfortable in ur own skin...then u have achieved that perfect size...not to say dont exercise n stuff...but just...do it for the right purposes...if its for fitness...green light =)

this is me

this is me...all that i am...all that ill ever be..ok minus the last part...coz the future is still undetermined...;) i guess its time to show ppl who i am...n stop being afraid to do so...singing is one thing...cant really say how i feel abt that...but it did make me real happy...n i won stuff...so thats kinda cool...whch reminds me...i miss chinese...speaking, writing, reading...i mean theres ppl i speak to in the language but nt as often as i did in secondary school..so yeah...n then, i realized that i want a hug...haha...random thought...k la..not just that...plus i realized i rarely get affectionate...with frens i mean...bf's ok...i dont hug my frens...i just dont get into the whole body contact stuff i guess...except some..so thats kinda weird..so i was wondering as to why it is so...n couldnt come up with a rational explanation...i mean its just a hug rite? its comforting...if even me...( kinda strong and rarely fall apart, in front of ppl anyways)....need a hug every now and then...why cant i do it for ppl casually? and then i realized that theres this certain person in my life who i havent let go of...i can say i have...but when i asked myself...i realized i havent...proof...if u say uve forgetten someone..maybe its true coz u stopped thinking abt them n stuff...but if ur thinking abt forgetting, doesnt that mean that u havent forgotten abt them ? -coz ur still thinking abt them? so yeah, i wish i could let go...i thot i did...but if i think abt forgetting that person, it clearly means i havent coz im thinking abt forgetting...so what do i do from there on? at times i feel so lost...wish i had direction...at one point i did...maybe things are suposed to be like this...u cant be sure of everything rite? there are things u have to figure out on ur own...no matter how long it takes....so maybe not all things are that predictable...life certainly isnt...take it in, day by day..no matter how hard it may be!

hari raya

hmmm...yet another holiday...lately just havent been in the mood 4 anything...n am awfully tired right now, but i had a good day...raya is mainly abt visiting, food and more food! ...wish i travelled but ah well...wait 4 deepavali..family trip..will keep u posted on that ;)....so yeah, went shopping today..didnt really have any1 2 visit...my frens are outta town so no point...teacher is in saudi arabia..so just stuck here at home...bsides going to the cities of course! amazing how everyone LOVES to shop...and i mean it..is it just malaysia? i doubt it...people tend to go insane at the word 'SALE'...or better yet 'MEGA SALE'....of course im not an exeption but yeah...been hooked on reading..i mean i love reading dont get me wrong, but lately i havent had the time...my reading has been my history textbook! but i actually like the subject...i jst did it coz i thought i should knw the stuff, but ended up liking it..so all the better...=)...and i have problems re-reading books...it could be from many years ago...but i just need suprises ( i like the suspense! )....really get hooked on books sometimes...then there are my mags...not gonna go there...i have like a collection..everything from celebrity, fashion and even beauty....trying to get myself to read something more informational...but just tend to go 4 the ones that catch my eye! ;)...n ive been pretty lucky..winning stuff...i mean really...so then my dad tried me at gambling (testing my luck)...but nvm..just weird altogether....i had apple ice cream...i was curious on how it would taste...it was actualy really good...thinking of my 18th...just dont know what i wanna do...maybe the beach coz thats what i like...=)...ah well...heading 4 dinner...no raya food...mayb go visiting 2morro...;)