curiosity.

so i guess my feelings are sorta in tact now...or more so than earlier...i found it so hard to make a decision...to go see my cousin...but glad that i finally decided...its just with all the work...i seriously dont know what to do anymore...so dizzy...and lately been a bit sick...dizzy..and fever...dont know whats up...since thats planned, im spending tonight with my friend....and theres something thats on my mind right now..someone said something to me...i still have no idea what it means...and as usual, i try to interpret it....try to do some twists and turns and come up with my own assumptions...how far has that gotten me really? have so many mosquito bites, it worries me...today is one of those days; where i feel lost...like i have no idea whats going on...and feel alone...absolutely hate the feeling! overall, im pressured....sometimes, times like these; it seems like too much to ask.

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
So why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that
I Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough.

and nope, no relationship problems...i can sorta relate to this; in a whole different way.

weekend in the city.

so yes, for a change...not going home this weekend...not gonna be here in college...instead, cousins bday thing...its like having a road trip or something; feels like that at least....gonna be going with my brother....gosh, its been ages since ive seen my family...actually miss them- a whole lot...anyways....it took me a longggggg time to decide what im doing for the weekend...reason being...theres so much work and studying to do....i owe him this, so yes im going...it should be fun...i just wished it feel sometime between the hols...the beginning of the sem is hectic as it is...they are pretty lucky though, school holidays and such...right now...im quite irritated...just one of those times where you feel like you're being ignored...not fun at all....alot has been happening...as usual...dont quite know where to start at the moment; saving that for the next post...have class in awhile..so no point getting all emo. have a fun weekend.

everyone with their problems.

lately it seems like that...or well- its more obvious...everyone with their fare share of problems...i have so many on my end; sometimes i just cant bare it anymore...but im still surviving..so that must be a good sign right? i dont know if its the work load, or other pressures thats causing this...but i wish it would come to an end....im tired of arguing, or feeling like we're arguing when we arent...or when theres absolutely no reason to....everything else seems to be going fine...everythings like so jumbled up; shall update once its all cleared ...till then...take care.

test week

this week is gonna be interesting and down-right hectic..so forgive me if im unable to update as frequently as i'd like...so till then, stay tuned.

friend drama.

ive been dealing with this recently...i care for people, yet i get the opposite in return...when this happens what do you do? do you forget them and carry on? or continue to care with the hopes that things will turn around? im so confuseddddddd!!!!!! what would you do? -leave me a comment-

weirder than weird?

weekend was pretty interesting...drinking, yup....but lets not get into that...weeks are going by so fast...its like...first its monday...and then in a blink of an eye, its friday...like wow....things have been nothing but hectic....constant studying, work...assignments, etc...can drive one crazy...but guess im coping pretty well, for a change...weird? everythings weird to me...i say everyone and everything is weird...seriously have no idea what thats about....been having some odd dreams...first i dream of lecturers, then prev. flames, boyfriend, friends...the annoying part is, the important or interesting ones are the ones i cant seem to remember...and i get so frustrated...as usual, im coping with my fare share of 'friend drama'...i really dont know what to do anymore....i wanna give up, yet i cant...i mean, if you give up that easily..are you really worth it all? should you be called a 'friend'...? i really wish i had answers...different people give me different views of course....and thats the problem with asking for opinions...you can be unsure..and by the time you're done making the rounds; you're even more confused! some say 'its not your fault, let it be'...and others say 'confront and talk about it'...my question is : what do i really want now? cause honestly im sick and tired of stooping down for others, just cause they are all 'emo' or 'frustrated'...its like...ok if you tell me whats going on...not if you suddenly act all weird...i dont read minds...i wish i did, but i dont...then the whole of this weekend...i was craving for pringles...sour cream and onion pringles...yummy :)...but i didnt get any....i tried to...but got annoyed and gave up..so i went to the shop...pringles are there..stacked...so HIGH up...like one can on top of the other, on the highest shelf..so if you were to pull the one at the bottom, the rest would come tumbling down...annoyed...i thought 'maybe im not meant to have any today'....so i didnt...everything feels so different...havent seen the friends ive been dying to see...the whole week...or whole two weeks...and some are right here, yet i havent...its sad if you ponder upon it....and the friends that are far away...are telling me how they feel they are losing me....i guess this is when distance becomes the test...it tests your strength...like really....and yes, still dealing with the roomie...with her; i'll never understand..its so bizzare...

well, i better tend to my work...updates shall come once i have more to muse about...

time.

when will we EVER have enough time? i really have no idea...,theres just so much to do, so little time :(....so what would you do? live in the moment and follow your hearts desires? or work extra hard to increase your chances of having something that you would have had anyways...'a thousand miles'...i love that song...


Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see youTonight
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in yourPrecious memories
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

sexuality

sexuality- is an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, both or neither.

so why are we on this subject all of a sudden? the reason being-- after my heart got crushed from the current AI results. kris allen won....and to think that danny gokey would be one of the finalists...that doesnt even matter...he shined thru on the show, and will get noticed. kris allen and adam lambert-- the finalists..i thought it was so damn predictable....i thought adam would win, no doubt about it...nothing else that has to be said...it was like an unspoken truth...a fact...so when i logged on to check the results..gosh, was i surprised...kris won...i referred to him as being 'gay'...not because he genuinely is, or that there is proof of him being gay at all....just that hes such a softie..dont get me wrong; nothing bad about that...his squeaky clean image...was abit too 'innocent'...so in the STAR paper...there was this article on adam lambert...speculation: he may be gay..MAY BE...why does everyone have to make such a huge deal about it? honestly speaking, would you rather have people hide and pretend, or stray away from what they are; just cause society cant accept the fact that they are gay..and we all go around saying 'just be who you are'...how big of a contradiction is that if they cant even show the world who they really are...onto the next thing..american idol is about talent...and if they were to go by the rules...and the sole purpose of the show...to discover new talent...despite of what or where people are or from...adam would have won....simon didnt even give kris a standing ovation when the winner was declared...guess im not the only one whos dissapointed...and another reason...or what i have inferred, as to how america chose to vote for chris instead...religious aspects....seeing as how gay marriages arent legalized...and how gay relationships are hardly accepted by society as well as religions (due to the fact that it is only right for a man to be with a woman and vice versa)...many conservative christians and all others who strongly oppose gay partnerships would have voted for chris....since i got all my points across, im stopping with the emo-ing....adam will get a contract....and he will probably do better than kris...just like how archuletta's better than cook...how fantasia, ruben, katherine and taylor just went missing after a couple of songs...this will turn out something like that. sometimes, life really isnt fair; now i believe in that a little bit more.

lab.

today we are doing an experiment on 'microscopes'...hahhaha....the procedure was 8 pages; it better be good....today was the first day in a long time where i felt like i wanted to sleep in...its like 'give me 5 mins'....i extend the time on my alarm...and i doze off...and it rings..and i go 'huh? that fast?!'....anyhow, loads of people are already sitting for test 1's and stuff today...hope all goes well...mine is tomorrow...and if i dont finish studying, no street party for me...but haha, ill go; even if just for awhile...cause honestly, seems like a bigger deal than it was last year :)

everyday things.

ok...im getting real fed up with titles as you can see....its like...i have so many posts i dont know what to call them anymore....updates-- lots of homework, studying, assignments, tests!!! arghhh...just the beginning of the 3rd week and already dying...haha...nah, honestly im doing ok (even im surprised)....and people are starting to think im going nuts...that scares me, slightly. reasons for them to feel that way? me suddenly being all cheerful and laughing about stuff...do i have no right to be happy? ;) anyways...todays just a day full of studying...caffeine...etc...last week was pretty interesting..did some things i thought i never would...felt things ive never felt before...this week should be pretty interesting...activities lined up. if i get to go, anyways.

of weekends alone.

to start off-- yes, weekend alone...or well, i was supposed to be alone..but not really...some friends went home, some went to camp...some are here i guess...just that i havent found the need to bother any of them just yet...my friday and saturday went by pretty fast...spent it with the bf :)...and talked to my friend for awhile..just hard when im quite mad at her....and she senses it...its like we snap at each other...really hate that..so im gonna cut her some slack...and the weird part is...ive been dreaming about weird stuff...whats new about that? i guess it starts to scare you when u dream of lecturers or lectures or subject related stuff...or stuff you forgot for a second and it just comes back to you...im in a weird mood again...its only 11am...on a sunday morning...i wanted to sleep longer...just that i couldnt get myself to...body aches....seriously.....back hurts...arghhhhhh!!!! this week should be pretty interesting...street party, etc....then a quiz...and yeah, getting with the whole 'hectic' schedule...but i do finally feel like im back on track...its all good...so yeah, obviously...i havent been alone at all...well, except now...hahahaha..anyways, enjoy the rest of the weekend...

world religions, etc.

world religions. im loving it. probably more than any subject at the moment..except biology...just fascinates me...ive been going on about what i believe in, or what i think i should believe in for quite some time..and this sorta explains some things...taboos,etc...right now we are on hinduism...some pretty interesting facts...and from the beginning...i was telling my friend 'you probably wouldn't have known that these things existed'...i was right. then my other friend and i were discussing reincarnation and re-birth....then we're like laughing at random stuff...my classes this sem are more FUN..or well, im making them more fun...either or....right now im just trying to kill time...its week 2 and ive been studying like mad...im scaring myself (slightly)..so thought i'd lay off the books during the gaps...anyways...gonna try and entertain myself...*proud of myself* getting back to updating more often :)

when the stars go blue.

i think i see stars-- thats what i told someone yesterday....i mean; what do i expect after 6 hours of class...no break, no food...was sorta going insane....was laughing at random stuff...just lately ive been so happy...its a good thing, its just shocking...cause im the one whos usually emo-ing like so often you dont even catch hold of the times that im not...its week 2 of the semester...and already-- so much work! i have assignments, quizzes, lab report...ahhh...ok when you know you're going insane (i just typed 'lap reports')....but interesting lectures...one who sets rules that if you're late you sing...a guy whos so caring or well trying to be thoughtful...and the one who flies thru lectures...cant even keep up...but its the people im with that make me go 'i think i just might be able to handle this'...today was interesting once again...still considering my options...been studying and reading a bit too much..so gonna relax a little today...:)

english.

my love for english is expanding...day by day....i miss not having a language subject...mainly because i had one last semester...i hated it at first, honestly....not for language barrier reasons or stuff like that...but because i thought my lecturer was sorta freaky...haha...but then, i ended up loving it....and not because i was doing real well in class..although thats what someone thought of the whole thing...i still have my passion for writing...writing sorta gives me everything..its expressive...and i just love impacting people thru the stuff i write...it feels life changing...or well, life- altering...if you can make that tiny difference in someones life just by them reading something you wrote-- doesnt that count for something? anyways, i usually dont like writing when my mind is cluttered...but i guess its better letting go of whatever you're feeling...but honestly...this doesnt even account for quarter im thinking right now...gosh...i miss him...i miss my friends...i miss home...i miss the feeling of being sure...but i guess it comes to the point where you'll always be wondering...in the end, its what you make of it. thats what matters most.

friends? - or not?

the people who you thought were always there-- thing is , they arent anymore..and i honestly couldnt care less....i always beat myself up; for the things other people do...somehow make myself guilty...or feel like i have a reason to be guilty...but thats over with...im tired of having to try to piece everything back together...i honestly cant anymore...i really cant...i wish i could, i wish i could be that shoulder to cry on...whenever needed...or that person you come to when you need advice..but honestly, im so sick of it...and lately...i feel closer to so many people...its like...i can see the sadness...i can sense that something is wrong...that sorta got me thinking...maybe i could do that-- way before this...just that...now im thinking about it...and im gonna start showing that i care....sometimes i just stray away...im stopping that too...this doesnt mean that im not grateful, or not appreciative..and by reading this...it shows that i not only am losing hope in certain people...but im gaining belief in others...and im gonna start letting them know how i really feel..btw, just to post this...cause im in my lovey dovey moods...7 months yesterday...:)...gosh im such a sucker for <3

wesak day

if you were given an option- either to sit for test 1 or write a report on wesak day ( condition being: you have to go to a buddhist temple on a saturday morning and then write a report on the experience afterwards)...what would you choose? obviously i chose option 2....free marks...:) :) well...pretty much...just had to get up earlier than planned on a saturday morning...sit thru the train ride..walk in the sun...im just saying; not complaining...it was well worth it....its sad when you've stayed in malaysia for so many years, yet havent experienced wesak day...or well...dont really understand the meaning of the occasion...thats another reason why i decided i should go. im glad i did...it was fun; because of the friends who were with! ;) i already wrote my report so now thats done with....and then today was mothers day..weekend was nothing but HECTIC....we celebrated mothers day with the family...grandparents, aunts and uncles...cousins...was fun...had good food...wish i could have done more for my mum though...anyways...dont just treat your mum well on mothers day..every day should count...think of all the sacrifices, the love showered upon you..so once again...to all mothers out there...happy mothers day!

yet another semester

so officially the semester started on monday...i didnt go the first day; had just one sub....yet i have so much to catch up on! we're already one chapter thru bio..and thats surprisingly fast...so i have been catching up on my reading...getting notes and stuff sorted out, stuff- book wise....and all the other necessities needed of me at the moment...im sorta bored right now...about 2 hours more till i have math..dont know how that will be...many people have been giving me a warning...telling me that his english is not good...so im sorta worried about that...schedule is so hectic this time around...hope ill be ok...i just miss the free time...and yes, once again im all emo emo....i miss people...really....but in different ways...i wanna say soooo many things...yet the way situations are right now...i cant say them...hopefully get to along the way...parents have been giving me a pretty hard time...i just somehow feel caught in the middle...like i wanna be consoled...yet i dont know what to do about that....yesterday was a pretty interesting day..my bio lect is a goof...but that makes it even more fun :)...then my friends and i were arguing about love....the saying of 'i love you' etc etc...and how we sorta feel pressured to follow a standard rule when it comes to relationships...stuff like that....i know i hardly express myself...but yeah, im not ok...at least not right now.

frights for your life.

i just had one of those...for two consecutive weeks...not gonna mention what...but it really scared me..and at the time, i didnt go to anyone...guess thats my weakness...i always feels like im bothering people; when in reality, all they want is for me to be happy. maybe its time to open up a little more...

anyways, classes officially started today...i have 6 hours tomorrow...gosh thats gonna be hell...much more to update...but will do so a little later...need to heal the scars. :(