every little thing.

LOVE - yesterday i was told that i have no idea what it is...and that got me thinking....it upset me...deeply...and i kept wondering; cause its just how i am...i dont think i let go of stuff as easily as i should...i think i normally dont care enough...or when we reach those points, i dont get upset....i sorta act like i dont care...i try so hard to shield myself...so that i wont feel the pain...i do, just that noone sees it...or i dont allow them to....so yesterday was the day that i reached my breaking point....the feeling was horrible....and honestly, im sick of having to say im sorry or for having to say that i'll try...and then it seems like i never even bother at all.....so hence, i feel so caught in the middle...i dont know what to do...i have no idea if i should do anything or do nothing at all; but of course, i know what the right answer is...just that im hesitant....and yes, it still hurts...thats what amazes me...i hardly cry....and its the littlest things that get me started....but ah well...i hope i find the solution..or well am satisfied with what i decide to do....and no its not anything harsh....its just how i wana go about this...right now...i wish i could shout...or scream idk...and say something like....'you seriously have no idea what this has done to me; and you probably never will'....

trying to turn over a new leaf

posts have been getting very emo...and very very dramatic...and i can use more words to describe it but maybe its better if i dont...and i CAN delete those posts...but ah well...i felt like that at the time...and i always say i dont express myself enough..so thats there to remind me of myself when i was way too expressive...so yes, im turning over a new leaf..in the sense of my writing....try to avoid the personal things...lets see how this goes.....

shattered; somewhat.

it took awhile, but yes im back :)...not exactly in the best of moods and i know its pretty easy to fake it when ur typing or writing...noone can sense that tinge of emotion...but im not gonna do that...no faking...except that one smile at the beginning...i feel so pressured, i feel weak...just sick and tired of everything...and i mean it..every little thing that wasnt ok, but that i acted like it was...so yeah...guess its all taking up way too much energy...and most of all; i dont know where certain people are when i need them the most...i miss one person in particular; and this person probably doesnt even know it..and its odd how when u cant see the person; thats when u wanna tell them everything...but u cant...it sucks...reality : u cant have everything u want....u never will have everything u want..so where do we go from there?

LOST

i wont be posting for awhile...some things i need to think about..so till then, take care. Ill be back as soon as i can.

interesting answers-- slash that...the MOST interesting answers

as i have mentioned about a gazillion times already -- 'research paper/ report (or what other references i made to it..), i finally decided to let you in on the fun...here are some examples...

Q: what is your view on sex?
A: it is an 'evil' act carried out by married couples to produce offspring
A: done for the experience

Q:would you opt for protection when carrying out this activity?
A:yes
Q:why?
A:i dont wanna be a dad just yet

and it goes on and 0n...i started to wonder if people were honest when giving answers...did they really mean what they said? or was it just so that they wouldnt be judged and wouldnt have to feel ashamed of themselves (although i cant see why, i dont ask for names )....its just funny how many of us try to twist our words or perceptions; just for the sake of our image...worrying about what others think instead of what we really think or feel about a particular topic or situation....

love and memories

Lovely, you're always lovely
A visionYou were the one
Now I am stuck inside a memory
You forgot about our destiny
You buried meDidn't you?Didn't you?
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
You're always floating
A vaporThat I couldn't seeHere
I am stuck inside a yesterday
Everything has given way
You fell from meDidn't you?Didn't you?
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories
Maybe I am a crowded mind
I watch your eyes glaze over
Stared down at the floor
You were amazing to me
I was amazing to you
But here we go again
Didn't youLove me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories

lately ive been really into this song...alot has been happening...just so much work...i feel so pressured...then i get so sick...then im ok...and then i worry that certain things are coming to an end yet they have been better than ever :)...the week has been pretty interesting altogether...just that i wish that i had spent more time with certain people...i shall try and do that in the coming week..so for starters im going for a camp during the hols...i remember when it used to happen 'ur going for camp..seriously?!'....its like nobody ever believed i could survive at camp..came across as an insult...but i guess i proved them wrong; somehow...on my list...i still have my interpretation of data...and im so hungry right now; cant even think straight! so anyways...have a fun weekend, i have a feeling i will =)

back on track

tonight was an interesting one...for one..i thought id eat dinner early..like at 6...haha...and then continue with all my hw and stuff...and then i was starving..so i went for a second dinner at 12 something...there was lightning and stuff..so we got worried that we wouldnt be able to get back to coll in time...so we walk so fast...ends up drizzling...then i come and get approached..so many people..boy was it interesting...then this random guy kevin comes and talks to me...back on track? idk, what shall i consider it as?

love and everything else...

ok...the weekend was pretty good; like really...to the extent that certain people were surprised to hear that i had a good time..which made me wonder...do i really put off going home? so often? then i realized that my recent posts have sounded rather 'confused'...first i said i wanna do this, then that...so idk...just scratch all that..whatever that seems to be like that...love..im still on the subject...or well i always am...just that i try not to bore people by talking about it over and over again..afterall, whats the harm? we all fall in love, or wanna fall in love right? so its relevant...once again i miss so many people...and you know who you are...sometimes it gets so hard...trying to be strong and not being able to be strong..then ive been having my whole sleeping problem...it scares me; cause i barely sleep and yet im so hyper...even at 4am..so yeah....i always wish i had answers...answers to love related taboos, etc, etc....the night i was watching one tree hill...i actually teared, its sorta odd...the lady was talking about how haley can look past all nathans mistakes and still find a way to forgive him...i guess thats awesome in its on way...forgiving...maybe thats an aspect of love..i mean a stronger aspect that we always look past...just in a writing mood...

the quest for answers.

answers..dont we all need them? i feel like lately; im more lost than ever...spiritually, emotionally..whatever possible way...its a horrible feeling..a.nd im sick of acting like its all under control cause it really isnt..the more i pretend, the harder it gets....im under so much pressure..for one....everyone seems to busy for me...and i cant stand it...then like...when i dont see certain people, my relationship with them sorta breaks...we grow further apart...then theres the fact that you have a million things to say but you dont get the chance to...and when you do get that chance, you dont feel like doing it anymore..all in all...i hate this friday...i didnt expect it to turn out like this..not the slightest bit...i feel like crying but i cant..i hope the weekend turns out a whole lot better.

when we run out of ideas...

ok so i havent exactly been fair...theres so much to blog about; be it weird dreams, things that are happening, things that cross my mind like ever other second, etc....for a start this one friend of mine is so interested in seeing who my roomie is...so lets get on to abit of gossip...:)...i miss having gossip and stuff all the time...main reason being i barely have time and stuff...at school it used to be a bigger deal...or well i sorta infused myself with all that...anyways...she doesnt stay at coll...people think that its odd how she actually talks to me...cause she doesnt seem to talk to anyone else...and people only see her in class...then its a magic spoof...she just dissapears...haha...i find that funny..so today when i was having lunch...or well after i bought my food...i saw her there...so i suddenly remembered...dragged my friend over, our luck; she already left..so thats that..now its like my priority to show her...today has been a lazy day...a whole lot of reading and hanging out.. the work shall begin shortly...i have this thing..when i start doing it i get so absorbed in my work that i forget everything around me...like really..it scares some people...i feel guilty...number one reason being that i dont update as much as i like...and everyone is so busy...noone updates their blog as often too...which means i dont get to read new stuff...sorta miss it...so im really gonna start to get back on track..i mean 'blogsphere' wise...write more often, cause i really enjoy it...i used to hate sharing my point of views and stuff...thinking that it gives away too much of me...but it doesnt..i mean whats the point if you keep it all to yourself...doesnt that make you selfish? i enjoyed the idea of having so many secrets...like living in secrecy; that sorta thing..dont ask me why...its real weird...ive been listening to lenny kravitz...gosh that voice...ahhahha...anyways...and i like justin timberlake and TI's new one...dead and gone...its odd...cause at the beginning of the video they show this bible verse...and you tend to go...what song could this be? and you see TI...and go OMG...ahhahha...this semester is going by so fast, it scares me...the good thing is, i feel so in control :)...more than i should be at times...its like i am so occupied...and i enjoy what im doing...idk..just tend to get all emo sometimes...i mean really..just kicks in all of a sudden..so im really grateful to those people who can tolerate it...in ways, im so hard to live with...and im questioning the existence of God...i thought i settled all my insecurities about that etc...but i havent...OMG...i just wish there were answers..answers are what i need...like so much...ah well..so thats my quest..something i need to get sorted out very soon..or well, as soon as i can....

money minded..

i find so much truth in that...everyone or well almost everyone is money minded...i mean, its hard to live if you aren't, cause everything requires it...you cant live on absolutely nothing right? ive been realizing that i spend way too much...i mean like really...need to cut down...in a way, maybe yes i am like becky bloomwood..not like im proud of it...even the slightest bit..so neways..i feel so hungry...and tensed...and im worrying about things once again...havent done that in awhile...just a worrier...the pressure is associated with all the work that is awaiting...i have to re-do my review of lit...gonna be hell...:(...not gonna make myself even more upset by thinking about it...i had a decent day...class got done early...helped friend out with graphs...then had a nice conversation with my roomie...was fun..and right now theres so much noise here...no idea what everyone is up to..gosh, i get so distracted..so yeah, thats all for updates...guess im gonna start with my work! :'(

beautiful

a song by akon..not a huge fan of him...but i enjoy the song :)

neways...just starting to realize how much work i have..research stuff, homework, assignment..the whole web page thing...gosh gosh gosh...

chris brown and rihanna

this really got me....chris brown abusing rihanna was the first...i was so shocked...i didnt believe it; not until i saw the pictures...she looked awful...then i hear they are back together..at some point, i disliked them as a couple idk...and then i was like 'its not too bad'...then he hits her...and its like...how could he do that? why did he? what exactly was he thinking...and now they're back together...or well...trying to "sort everything out"...we all know what that means...i disagree with it...i mean, strongly...no girl should stay with a man who abuses her...if he dared to hurt you once, whats stopping him from doing it again? so the whole reconciliation thing kills me...i wish it didnt happen...if you have your own point of view on this, feel free to share your thoughts...

friends...

is it right to say you're friends, but then avoid the person? this isnt exactly happening to me, but is happening around me...i was wondering why a friend of mine has been acting strange...i now have answers...she is avoiding this other friend of mine...i mean, whats the point really? of going behind people's back...if you dont like something...just tell them straight off...why hide it? if you're really a friend, shouldnt you be honest? even if its something you really cant stand...so yeah, shes avoiding her...avoiding doing things that this girl is involved in..sorta makes me feel rotten..dont know why...nobody is perfect...i just disagree with her...how would she like it if it were her who was getting treated that way...as they say 'do unto others what you would do to yourself'.

dissapointing people.

i hate it...i hate the feeling...the feeling of knowing that you're dissapointing someone or that you've dissapointed someone...and in some instances, it isnt even your fault...or well, there wasnt much you could have done...it sucks...like very much...grandparents...thats whats on my mind...no emo stuff...no bf...no friend stuff...for a change...ive been very emotional but not gonna go there; its sorta embaressing plus im trying not to think about it...my grandparents in the US...honestly, i hardly ever think about those who are far away...even friends...cause i just cant...i takes too much of me...it hurts...so i try not to think about it...thinking that thats the best choice...i know it isnt; but im still stubborn..so anyways, my grandma was going on about how she never sees us and stuff like that...i know how hard that must be...not being able to see your child or grandchildren...must feel awful...sometimes i wish i didnt feel so guilty...cause i really do...feel guilty i mean...today was hard...lately ive been saying everyday is hard..i got up wishing i could stay in bed...felt so sick the entire day...so weak...all of a sudden...and like to go downstairs and come back up, takes so much energy...just gonna be happy...about other things...hopefully tomorrow turns out better...just the weak feeling thats making me moody...i hate it...ok enough with the 'i hate it's'....not gonna talk about my day...i just wanna think about stuff...driving myself insane...as usual...urghhhh....