LOVE vs. HATE

dont you agree that these are two very powerful words? i think so...some people can say it easily, words do come easy...but for the remaining, we only use these words when we are sure we feel it...in this case, count me as one of them...even when i feel it i dont say it...i have to be sure...its not that i dont trust how i feel...or well -- emotions...its just that sometimes you can get so caught up in the moment...you may say stuff and then you cant take it back...then there are the times when you feel like saying something, or asking about something...yet you hold back...fear holds you back..ive done that way too many times...and im not anymore...sometimes people get on you for saying stuff and not actually doing it...ive done that quite a few times...im trying, but havent gone all the way with it...once people know, i guess theres pressure into actually doing it...yet its good that people know -- gives you that push you need....i honestly think im starting to be happier...and stronger...its good...just sometimes wish it kicked in a little faster! ive been reflecting and stuff...thinking about the past, present and planning for the future...i mean i have goals and stuff...but i used to be afraid..even to think of it ( the future )...thinking that if i yearn for something and it doesnt happen, i will be crushed..maybe its ok...if it doesnt go as planned...you'll get other things that will make it worthwhile...and im so grateful..for all the wonderful people around me...i finally feel like me again.,.entirely...and im keeping it that way...4 months and im still very much in love...its insane how certain things surprise you...everyone has those bad days, yet its still strong...havent gone steady for awhile...and i actually like it...people will be surprised by that, but who cares...haha...what isnt fair to him, i havent been there entirely...for awhile i thought maybe it was time and space that i should give him...i THOUGHT....i guess its wrong to make assumptions...sometimes you just follow your heart...no matter how wrong the choice seems....i shall continue to fight my fears....i have no idea when the optimism kicked in, but i guess its all good :)...i suddenly feel like im on top of the world!

back to coll tomorrow...the week flew by so fast...but i guess im ready to go back...routines...the people =)

decisions

how do we get thru these choices? decision making? really hard...but somehow; we get thru the tough times...may be wondering what this has to do with...i honestly dont know...or well, i do...but im gonna twist it ( slightly )...;) ....we sometimes make decisions...and half way thru wonder 'am i doing the right thing?'....'maybe i should have waited'..etc, etc. then u think about it...how life would be if you didnt make that choice...and u cant picture your life without it...so then you think its right...what if it isnt...i guess...there are two ways to it...two decisions, two outcomes...in the end, its all what you make of it...

=> onto something different, cny hols have been awesome...the not so awesome part : have assignments, plans have changed (dramatically) and i somehow feel this loneliness...and i cant stand it...i was gonna go with 'loneliness and its killing me'...haha...would sound too much like the britney song...so neways...had cousins down for awhile..alot of going out, etc. dinners...friend is moving, so thats another thing...never seem to bring myself to update anymore...lack of inspiration or just too annoyed...sore throat...just wanna curl up and have a good read....but thats what i cant have :(

of more holidays...

CNY...thats whats coming up...everyone is already home...prep-ing and stuff...and all the mandarin oranges...i havent even had one yet...plus i already have a sore throat..so that might not be the best of ideas, but ah well...i actually think ive been quite fond of holidays and stuff...recently...finally something that can break me...all hyped up about the visiting, ang paus, etc. ive made yet another resolution...ive made so many...and i guess its so hard to achieve stuff when u've spread it with the whole world...a friend actually told me something similar to that...so what ive decided : dont say im not going to, just dont do it...that way noone knows...haha...needs a little bit more erm...motivation...thursday nights...weird but everyone has plans...friend heading home, some already home...bible study, clubbing, etc, etc....maybe with all the peace and quiet i shall, start on my work load....urghh...i always try to avoid work during the weekdays- unless necessary...i just like to start and finish it...not leave things half way...so yeah...i realize i suck at comforting...i mean really..to think that i could do it...i cant...it bothers me sooooo much...and i was always saying i was there and stuff...i mean i was...yet i felt soooo helpless...it still bugs me...something else to work on...throat is bugging me...ahhhhhhhhhhhh...plans are what i need!

out of place

ive been feeling like that lately....just the whole loneliness....i can do everything yet i still feel it...i want answers...i know ive been rambling about how i want answers and stuff...the list is somewhat increasing! neways..as usual...a day of class....then hung out with a friend...just came in, and now i have dinner plans...pretty hectic week...and yet i feel like im not doing enough...confusing but yeah...class at 8 tomorrow...hopefully get something out of it...(the day i mean)...then its home for a week...have to start on my research, assignment and some homework...plus the reading!! and the other reading ( current read : marley and me )...really good book...def a must read...the movie is already out in the states, hopefully get it here real soon....so thats that...an update...starting to feel like its an obligation...i feel bad...cause i use to update so often...and now its somewhat neglected...guess i shall work on that...so till the next update, take care and have a very happy cny!

touching the surface

lately things have been so messed up...i have no idea where to begin...need some cheering up...but nvm that...its so hard losing someone...and people barely know this cause i can shield the pain...deep down im a bit too sensitive..the loss of a lecturer...its really sad...my english lecturer was talking about that today; couldnt help but tear..if i didnt get a hold of myself would have broke down....the hardest part was her teaching me only last semester and coming back to the whole 'awkward' phase...people talking about it constantly, messages going out, texts...everyone informing everyone else about it...i guess people deserve to know...at the time i didnt know how to connect the dots...it was like 'you're kidding me'...yet deep down you know its true...and nothing changes that...you know you will never see that person again..and in reality it doesnt quite hit you..at least not that fast...not until you want to see the person, then realize 'he/she isnt there anymore'...the painful part; nothing you do can ever bring them back...then there are the plans...plans of seeing the person...what you plan on telling them...it hurts...one day the person may be there...and the next, it might just be too late...goes to show that life is that short...you will never know when your time is up...if you feel anything or want to say anything to anybody -- go ahead...you have no idea when life will take that turn and it may be too late...then all we hold are the regrets...right now, i want answers...what about that place called heaven? its at times like this that you wonder..as strong as your faith is; you cant help to wonder...are they still living on in a different place, or does it just come to a stop? its scary thinking about it...

this post is dedicated to all those who have lost someone recently: especially to dr.renuka..may she rest in peace...it was a blessing knowing her and we will somehow remember the impact she had on our lives; for that i am grateful.

purpose in life

recently ive been wondering about this...i mean ; how will you ever know what your purpose in life is? at the moment, i feel like its the same answer that goes for love...everyone may have their own definitions yet we will never know what the answer is...sorta kills me cause im dying to know...how do you know what ur supposed to achieve in life? we may have goals, but what is the purpose of it? is there a certain way our life should be laid out or is it how we want it to be? is there always a sequence ( first this, then this...)...that you cant change...can we go against all that? maybe life is what you make of it, maybe it isnt...recently ive been feeling quite helpless...helpless in the sense that i want to be there for certain people yet i dont know how to...i wanna be that person they can lean on, yet i feel like im not doing a good enough job...its like...i want to do so many things, yet somehow feel like i cant...just need a little push, and that little bit of faith...i guess its time to stop complaining and get everything into perspective...be there in whatever way that i want to...and do whatever i want...it just really hit me...life is so short...so to all my readers, live a little more ; laugh a little more....it will be worth it ( make sure its worth it )

as days goes by

titles slightly odd but noone will know what im gonna write about...i dont update much..but here it goes...i had a pretty exciting weekend...on friday i was out till 3am....had tea at 1am...sorta got stalked...was scared to death, honestly....random guy following us in the car...if it werent so deserted i wouldnt have been so afraid...then the constant wolf whistling..i sometimes wonder what goes on in these peoples head...mortifying...ive noticed that i barely sleep anymore...not a case of insomnia...my mum tells me its because ive stopped growing...kinda upsetting...stuck like this for the rest of my life! then on saturday...got up early...ive become quite the morning person...breakfast, lunch, hanging out...and drank at night....probably the worst ive ever been so far...its odd cause i remember saying all these things...like knowing im saying it yet i cant get a grip on it...maybe thats what made it interesting...as i think back on that, i realize i would've said or done anything...then woke up with a hangover...head hurt like mad....slept for 3 hours and got up for lunch...had the worst lunch ever...i now consider college food as 'nilai food'...meaning there are no categories ( chinese, malay, indian, thai, etc.) all sorta runs under the one category...cause for the whole 2 semesters...i havent had anything remotely decent...ive been studying, classes havent even started yet..weird huh...either that bored or that motivated...haha...all in all...i know im scaring myself....like alot nowadays...for a fact, i never thought i'd feel it this strongly...now i fear of losing him...sorta sucks...i mean ; loving someone so much that it would scar if something went wrong...guess this is when you believe in the sayings and stuff...like 'enjoy it while it lasts'...in the end, maybe its the memories that matter...i doubt i'd have inspiration if they were all sweet memories...its the mixture of good and bad i guess...then i shall come to L.O.V.E...i love that word...and i used to think i knew everything about it...but then..ive come to realize something...people claim to have these experiences ( not saying they arent true)..but it varies from person to person...i guess the definition of love, is whatever you make it to be...and there arent stated facts as to how you love...you just do it...unconditionally or not, entirely up to you...its just that i want answers...i wish it was written down...i'd really like to know...i was helping my friend move in, i did housework..someone who never lends a hand at home...did housework..surprising myself...slept late yet again last night...was up since 8...roomie came in...hasnt even stayed here for one night..sorta insane...and now shes sleeping...i think at this moment she might consider me as the 'hyper roomie'...ah well...guess we all get those nicknames at some point of our lives..i have one for her, but haha..should keep that to myself ;)

just a boring friday

dont have class on a friday...shouldnt that be a good thing? yet im bored out of my mind...i guess i feel this way cause my schedule is very free plus classes havent officialy started yet..so somehow still feel like im on a string...slept in for once....havent been getting enough sleep...early classes plus staying up late...havent really adjusted to the new surroundings just yet...getting there...its just odd how some people will always remember you...walked into the class, gave me the course structure and gave me the biggest smile! i found it kinda funny...i cant wait for english...academice writing :)...another thing - how you could be away from a place and rarely go back, yet that doesnt stop people from talking about you..came online...and a friend of mine was like...'ive heard so many things about you'....and just yesterday i realized that people have weirder names than i first thought! then theres the whole walking by and feeling like everyone is staring, gets insane at times...few weird encounters but nvm about that....my weekend has officially started! since theres no class on friday, i have a head start...its almost 11 and still no breakfast...the thing about being on the 4th floor, you tend to avoid going down unless necessary...and when u do go down, u make sure u get everything done...no in between or 'unnecessary' trips...which reminds me...need to see if the money cleared, have to deal with the late charges next week :(...plus have to file a complaint about the internet port, gosh....sounds like alot...guess ill get to all that, when i feel like getting up and walking the distance! have a nice weekend :)

back in college

so yeah, had that long break...2 months...and now im back...at first it sorta sucked...i was all grumpy cause it was hard getting on track and adjusting to the surroundings...but now its all good..enrollment was awful...all the lines are clear, except ours...only enrolled yesterday and went to class today...was fun...some student came up with an odd answer...was a good laugh...and the new people...they arent even in their first semester yet i havent seen them before...if that isnt weird, i dont know what is...its nice...being surrounded by friends...daily routines...supper...staying out till mid night...the only problem is the food...and sadly, a lecturer who taught me last semester is in critical condition...its sad...cause they say the chances of her living are 15%....i guess we're all keeping her in our daily prayers...its sad cause it feels like there was a connection and she honestly touched many of our lives..just goes to show how you'll never know when your time is up..so maybe we should all live a little more...and perspectives...and how one will never have the answer to certain questions...but doesnt stop us from trying...and i somehow feel like i should try things...even the crazy stuff...gotta put some thought into that...overall...feels like this semester has alot in store for me...cant wait!